Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
If my 3yo kid wakes up at 4:30 AM just to tell me she's a superhero, her powers need to include going back in time to make better decisions.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 24, 2014
It's more than a little discouraging when your toddler yells "Mommy, put on makeup!" and you're already wearing it.
— Laura Gutin Peterson (@lagutey) February 26, 2014
My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
The best way to start a brawl at a 4yo's birthday party is to serve a Frozen themed cake w/only two slices that contain part of Elsa's head.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) March 2, 2014
"Please don't lick me" is something I have to say far too often to my kids
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) February 24, 2014
Thought 4yo put peanut butter in her hair to remove something sticky as I had done before. Turns out it was to go w/ jelly already in there.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) February 28, 2014
My youngest kid is still runs-into-me-to-see-what-sound-I'll-make-years-old.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) February 24, 2014
Too Late for Naps Too Early for Bed: A Memoir
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) February 24, 2014
Pins and needles in my legs. Apparently I've been hiding in the bathroom and playing on my phone too long.
— JD Bailey (@JDhonestMom) February 24, 2014
The soundtrack to my mental breakdown will be the theme song from Jesse.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) February 24, 2014
"She stepped on one too many goldfish and LEGOs barefoot" will be on my committal papers.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) March 1, 2014
PSA of the day: If you give your toddler markers & paper just know you could have saved the paper. They don't plan on using it. AT. ALL.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 26, 2014
I have sworn in front of my child approximately 962 times today. No word I can say, however, is as tempting or fun for him to say as "poop."
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) February 19, 2014
"At your doc appt. today, there will be shots, hon."
"Oh, that's OK. I like shots b/c you get fun bandages."
[Somebody! Mark these words!]
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) February 25, 2014
Told my 6 year old that we'll be celebrating my wife's birthday on Saturday and now he's super-excited to play in the bouncy castle.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) February 27, 2014
Oh my God! Red sauce touched the girls' pasta. NATIONAL EMERGENCY! NATIONAL EMERGENCY!
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) February 28, 2014
It's amazing that after almost three years of Dora-watching, my urge to punch Swiper in the face hasn't ebbed at all.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) February 28, 2014
Instead of telling our Kids to "Stop interrupting!", we say "Stop Kanye Westing!"
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) March 1, 2014
"You gotta live your life before getting tied down" 10 yr old girls wisdom coming from the back seat
— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) February 26, 2014
Me: Go play. You don't need to stand there & stare at me.
3: What if I sit down & smile at you?
*smiles up at me
Me: ...Well played.
— Wendy (@maughammom) February 28, 2014
I can't get out of my 3 yr olds room at bedtime without singing her 5 SONGS. I've let this whole thing get away from me.
— Playground Dad (@playgrounddad) February 27, 2014
Went to kiss my 6yo goodnight & she said, "HOW could I say NO this this FACE??" and opened her arms wide. Then I died of cuteness.
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) February 28, 2014