03/14/2014 03:41 pm ET Updated Mar 17, 2014

What Happens When You Bring Pizza Into The Bedroom

Pizza is the new sex doll.

In "I Used Pizza As a Sex Toy," Cosmopolitan writer Mark Shrayber -- who has a history of testing out some of Cosmo's weirder sex tips -- provides a first-hand account of what happens when pizza comes into the bedroom.

The results were mediocre. After some pizza-based dirty talk, Shrayber and his partner take some quickly cooling pizza and put it on each other:

By this time the pizza was warm rather than hot so we moved on to placing it on each other's bodies and then trying to nibble and lick it off. While this was fun, I can understand why something like this would work better with sushi. Until you've tried to get a piece of pizza off someone's chest with only your teeth and tongue, you don't really appreciate how nice firm foods can be for sexual practices.

Shrayber admits that the pair nixed the scheduled climax:

Our finale was going to include a piece of pizza wrapped around someone's penis, but my partner felt that was too close to the guy who f----d a Hot Pocket and opted out at the last minute citing both tiredness as well as his desire to wash the pesto out of his hair before it hardened.

Shrayber is alluding to the teen who had sex with a ham and cheese Hot Pocket for Internet fame.

He was following in the foot steps of a guy who claimed he had sex with a pizza and burned himself doing it, though that guy never provided any proof and may have been trolling Dominos.

Need more food porn gone wrong? Here it is