03/17/2014 09:22 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Here's Your St. Patrick's Day Drinking Schedule For Hot Messes

Well, here we are. St. Patrick's Day, or as it appears to be in the U.S., Monday, Drunky Monday.

Now, we don't condone binge drinking and highly suggest that you learn about the true origins of the holiday or find a less destructive way to celebrate it, but here's what your day will look like if you do St. Patrick's Day it like a hot mess.

9:00 A.M.

Rise and shine! Brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. Realize that you're not Ke$ha and use mouthwash instead.

9:30 A.M.

Pick out your green outfit. Ask yourself why you're wearing Mardi Gras beads. Go with it anyway.

10:00 A.M.

Meet your friends at something called "Kegs and Eggs," or "Bacon And Booze" or some other form of "Dreakfast" (and yes, that's drunk breakfast). Make sure you eat enough to lay a foundation for the drinking you'll be doing.

12:00 P.M.

After downing pints of Guinness all morning, you're ready for your first Whiskey! Ah, what the hell. Irish Car Bomb it is!

12:30 P.M.

Become depressed after Irish bartender tells you how offensive the name of your drink is.

1:00 P.M.

Attempt to order corned beef and cabbage at a McDonald's. Quickly realize that cashier is not amused.

1:01 P.M.

Order a Shamrock Shake instead. Ask cashier if there's any in booze in it. Leave before cashier becomes any less amused.

2:00 P.M.

Tell your friends you're going to "Wake up" with an Irish Coffee.

3:00 P.M.

Realize you've lost your phone.

3:15 P.M.

Find your phone after stepping on it repeatedly.

4:00 P.M.

Leave without telling anyone and head back home for a nap.

6:00 P.M.

Wake up, rally, head back to the bar with a renewed confidence in your drinking abilities.

6:30 P.M.

Spend way too much money on 3 shots of a 12-year Irish whiskey under the guise of "being classy."

8:00 P.M.

Make out with a Conan O'Brien look-alike that you later realize was more of an Andy Richter look-alike.

conan obrien andy richter

9:00 P.M.

Hear the sad, Irish flute music from "Titanic" and immediately start crying in public.

10:00 P.M.

Head to a karaoke bar and request "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" by U2. Quickly realize you don't know any of the lyrics except, "Sunday, Bloody Sunday."

11:00 P.M.

Finally call it quits by ordering a "tall pint of water," but your slurring made the bartender think you said, "Lager." Oh well.

12:00 A.M.

Call a cab, stumble home.

12:30 A.M.

Fall onto your bed, forgetting that you left a bunch of chocolate gold coins scattered all over it.

chocolate coins

4:00 A.M.

Wake up covered in chocolate. Spend next few hours of sleeplessness constructing an elaborate, non-St.-Patrick's-Day-related excuse for why you can't go into work on Tuesday. Enjoy your day off!

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Dogs Celebrating St Patrick's Day