Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't discuss this very much because she's a pretty private person, but I am her doppelganger: Her shorter, poorer, darker-haired, less-fabulous doppelganger. You see, I do everything first, and then she does the same thing only better. I was born a year before she was. I had my baby a year before she had her first. I spatchcocked my first local, organic chicken a year before she did. And I separated from my husband a year (and a half) before Gwyneth Paltrow separated from her husband.
Just like everything else, Gwyneth's "conscious uncoupling" is already so much better than anything my ex-husband and I could ever come up with. How does she do it? Man. If you're looking for the ultimate aspirational separation, take out your bespoke stationary and fountain pen and take notes.
1. First of all, her euphemism: Conscious uncoupling . Why didn't I think of that? All this time I've been calling it things like "shit-show detangling" and "marital meiosis." Her euphemism is so much more soulful and poetic, right?
2. They won't have lawyers or a mediator, they'll have "uncoupling facilitators." And they'll probably meet in heavenly-scented offices with soft lighting. There will be hand-holding and green tea. Everyone will understand each other, and there will be no uncomfortable crying or arguing.
3. It'll all get settled super quickly. In fact, they've probably finished already. Mine is taking forever.
4. There will be an uncoupling event. It will be this beautiful ceremony officiated by GP's "very good friend" Kabbalah guru Michael Berg and her other "very good friend" Episcopal priest Cynthia Bourgealt. It will be catered by Mario Batali. GP will wear a custom Uncoupled pantsuit by Stella McCartney, and she'll look stunning in it. It'll be white. There will be an acoustic number by Chris, with the kids singing backup. Everyone will cry mostly happy tears and then they'll all hug in silence.
5. Gwyneth will have a special Me&Ro Uncoupled ring made and sell it via Goop. I will entertain the idea of buying it for myself and then remember that I'm a single mom who also has to buy her son shoes.
6. Thanks to this week's announcement, Gwyneth probably already has a long line of potential boyfriends outside her door. While I -- oh wait! Hah -- once again I am first, for I have already nabbed the best boyfriend ever in the world. Sorry, GP. He's all mine. This is one area where you don't have me beat.
7. All her servants will take care of all the crap single moms have to deal with, so she won't ever look haggard or overwhelmed. Like I do. Every single morning. No running out the door late in the morning with a load of laundry in one arm and a bag of garbage in the other hand for her!
8. Gwyneth will write a brilliant, best-selling book on how to have the finest divorce ever.
Okay, all joking aside, I am sad it didn't work out between GP and Chris Martin, and I really do hope their split is as amicable and peaceful as possible, especially for their kids.
Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow's divorce will be different from an ordinary mortal's divorce?
More from The Stir:
5 Tips for Surviving Relationships After Divorce
6 Ridiculous Divorce Stats That Will Scare Any Sane Woman
9 Things I Didn't Expect About Getting a Divorce
20 Things Divorce Taught Me
10 Things I'll Do Differently in My Second Marriage