Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
KIDS SPRING BREAK WEEK: See you on the other side. Maybe. If I live.
— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) April 14, 2014
There's something unholy about waking before both the sunrise AND your 3yo.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 14, 2014
Kid #2 woke up this morning before the sun. I feel like I need to sell him.
— Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) April 18, 2014
You're supposed to do one thing a day that scares you. That's taken care of when you're potty training your son.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) April 17, 2014
If these kids are going to whine all day long, then I should probably just go ahead and have wine for breakfast.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) April 17, 2014
My kid packed 4 rolls of duct tape for our flight to Chicago. Nothing says "Happy Easter" like bailing your 7yo out of TSA prison, amIright?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 17, 2014
People that say that today's cartoons are kinder and gentler are obviously not being introduced to strangers as 'Mommy Pig' by their 3yo.
— B B (@MomoVonTrite) April 15, 2014
Remember that time I slept 8 hours and felt rejuvenated? Me neither. Where's my coffee?
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) April 18, 2014
People on TV shopping for bigger homes "for the baby" obviously have no idea that kids spend 10 years constantly right on top of you.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) April 17, 2014
Fifty percent of parenting is feeling okay with picking things up off the floor one hundred percent of the time.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) April 17, 2014
Husband and I just had a talk about our life goals while seated at the kids' mini table. Is this why no one takes us seriously?
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 17, 2014
Hey non-parents, what's it like to feel relaxed when things are quiet?
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) April 13, 2014
I'm pretty sure that peeing alone and unicorns exist within the same realm of possibility.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) April 15, 2014
My 3-year-old finally ate something without ketchup on it. I’d call that progress, but it was Play-Doh.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2014
My favorite part about spending $200 at the grocery store is when my kids come home from school and say there's nothing to eat.
— Renee (@nayele18) April 17, 2014
Choosy moms don't complain when their husbands get a different brand of peanut butter because it saved the moms a trip to the store.
— JDM (@jendenbrat) April 20, 2014
Told my kids that I will start to sing the Barney Please and Thank You song if they don't use their manners. Wow, such a quick improvement!
— Firefly (@Tiare75) April 12, 2014
Just told my 8YO I'd give her 5 bucks if she drank some pickled jalapeño juice. Parenting is cool!
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) April 20, 2014
Me: jay u cant play basketball in the rain Him: why? Me: you mean 'why not' Him: great thanks mom! &goes back outside #grammarlessonfail
— Robyn Murphy (@mrsmediamom) April 15, 2014
6 year old wants a lemonade /cookie stand.
Says he needs to consult 8 yo Girl Scout neighbor "because she knows about selling cookies."
— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) April 14, 2014
8yo: “You don’t even know what an odd number is” 5yo:”Yah ha, it’s a number that’s a little weird” (Touché)
— Jenny from the blog (@SuburbanJungle) April 14, 2014
I'd take it a bit more serious if I was paid to do it.
~twitter and parenting
— The Blonde One (@MichelleVitagrl) April 14, 2014
My 3yo: "Do you have other songs about hippopotamus?" (How many songs about hippopotamus does this guy think there are in the world?)
— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) April 13, 2014
Rhetorical questions just don't work with kids. Overheard upstairs:
Wife: "Where is all this poop coming from?!"
4yo: "From our butts?"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 19, 2014
Parenthood is emptying your pockets every night and taking out all the crap your kids handed you all day.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) April 14, 2014
Parenting guilt, the stuff responsible forr making you retract your statement that the monkey bread has real monkeys in it.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 16, 2014
Any advice on how to get that “Let it go” song out of my head? I’ve tried the garlic and ginger already.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) April 14, 2014