Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Signs you've been a parent for a long time: the children have actually convinced you that a roll with butter is a real kind of sandwich.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) May 13, 2014
I didn't know "No naked kids on the kitchen counter" needed to be a rule, but I was wrong.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 15, 2014
"Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice."
-My favorite Hangover quote you can use on your kids.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 17, 2014
I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 13, 2013
The Giving Tree but instead of a tree it’s an iPad and instead of the boy getting older and ignoring the iPad, he never leaves its side.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) May 15, 2014
I'm such a good mama, playing with my kiddos.
Ok...sitting next to my kiddos.
Ok...we each have our own tablet.
— blank (@jfrank50) May 13, 2014
I would honestly be the perfect mother if I didn't have kids
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 15, 2014
Morning: The time cats and dogs celebrate because the mumbling grumbling adults and cranky kids leave the house.
— The Captain (@acjlist) May 13, 2014
Set up the activity gym for the baby. So far, the cats love it.
— Carrie Anne (@exlibris) May 15, 2014
3yo is combing my hair with a spoon and while I admire her creative technique I just wish she'd waited until she was done eating with it.
— Wendy (@maughammom) May 15, 2014
2 year old has been walking around all day with a notepad and pen while nude. She looks like the world's leading, drunk reporter.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 12, 2014
There really is no difference between a tired 4yo and a drunk 34yo. None.
— Ann (@writerPT) May 16, 2013
My 3yo: "What do you call this? Soy sauce? It's amazing."
— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) May 14, 2014
You know you're a parent when the top rack of your dishwasher is full of nothing but plastic shit and wine glasses.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) May 15, 2014
Things my 4yo son says that I won't argue with:
"Mom, I'm really going to miss you when I grow up and marry Hayley and she becomes my mom."
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 15, 2014
Two soccer games done, and we still have a gorgeous Saturday afternoon for whining and crying!
— Ann Imig (@annsrants) May 17, 2014
Becoming a parent has helped me to finally understand why my Dad spent so much time on the toilet.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) May 12, 2014
Best part of motherhood is how the slowly accumulating white streaks in my hair will lend an air of authenticity to my Princess Anna costume
— The Ugly Volvo (@theuglyvolvo) May 13, 2014
I enjoy long walks at Target, drinking wine by the bottle and vacuuming up small toys while my Kids aren't looking, you?
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 14, 2014
When we grow up, we understand how ridiculous we were as teens, right? BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE OWES ME SEVERAL DRINKS LATER.
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) May 13, 2014
My 10yo is explaining to me how the 7 deadly sins are represented in Spongebob and now I realize I should monitor his computer time more.
— WittyWedMother (@wittywedmother) May 14, 2014
At any given time, there are always 2 of the 7 dwarves living in my house. Today, it is Grumpy and Sneezy.
— Alison Lee (@AlisonSWLee) May 15, 2014
Swiftly carrying a child who doesn't think they're going to make it in time to the bathroom is the closest I'll ever get to being a hero.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 17, 2014
My brother in law is in air traffic control at LaGuardia, but has he ever coordinated a 13-girl Daisy field trip? WHO'S BADASS NOW?
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) May 12, 2014
I'm no expert, but I play one to my kids.
— Shawn Spree (@shawnspree) May 15, 2014
Me as motivational speaker to my kids:
"You can do it. You can take a nap NOW!"
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 14, 2014
You want to know just how tired a parent can become? Last night, I was too tired to eat cheese. That's like one step from death.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) May 13, 2014
As a father of two, I have the patience to deal with exactly 1.67 children.
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) May 13, 2014
"BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH. I'M TIRED OF SAYING IT OVER AND OVER ."
6 year old: "Then stop saying it."
He's lucky we don't own a catapult.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 13, 2014
Dear family, there's been a scheduling conflict: the 4yr olds meltdown was pushed back to 5pm, wine was moved to 6pm, & dinner is cancelled.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) May 13, 2014
4yo wanted to talk about bats as she fell asleep, painfully slow. And crooks. And what does "lame" mean? Can worms think? I'm exhausted.
— Julia Fierro (@JuliaFierro) May 17, 2014
This parenting shit is really where it's at. You get to truly enjoy stuff you previously despised.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) May 17, 2014