06/09/2014 09:28 am ET Updated Jun 09, 2014

'Veep' Season 3 Finale Recap: 'Crate' & 'New Hampshire' Make History


Beware, fake America. Selina Meyer has acquired the nuclear codes. After POTUS resigned because his wife wasn't "in a good place mentally," the Veep officially ascended to become the first female President of the United States. Unfortunately, she also lost New Hampshire and Iowa in the primaries. Armed with a terrible haircut and congratulatory calls from Beyonce, Selina finished out Season 3 of "Veep" as the queen of fails with two swearing-in ceremonies, squeaky shoes, a $1,200 crate and GUMMIS. As Mike McClintock put it, she's at risk for having a "Snapchat presidency."

HBO aired Episode 9 and 10, "Crate" and "New Hampshire," as a one-hour season finale, and both saw Selina's team toggling between D.C. and New Hampshire. Here are the best lines, horrific disses and ass-clenching insults from the "Veep" Season 3 finale.

Selina Meyer
  • You know they accuse you of not thinking outside the box, but I do think outside the box. You know what else I do? I stand on top of the box.
  • If I don't communicate, guys, I communicant.
  • I cannot stand that affected buttplug.
  • You know what VP stands for? Victory permafucked.
  • Thank you so much, Senator Suck Up.
  • There are so many people in here it's like a Mormon orgy.
  • You said you would midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that? Well guess what? I am 10 centimeters dilated and fully faced. This presidency is crowning.
  • Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head.
  • I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president now, I can fuck anyone I want, right?
Jonah Ryan
  • I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
  • Do you think you can talk to Uncle Jeff for me? I want a job on my own merits and I think he's the guy to get it for me.
  • Mom! You are so annoying! Why don't you just punch yourself in the face?!
  • I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever ... or Wall Street. One of the two, I haven't decided.
  • I can't denounce the web. That's like Peter denouncing Christ, or worse.
Mike McClintock
  • I gotta go make noises out of my facehole or whatever it is I do.
  • This is an historic moment and I'm not talking about the first female president thing. I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary.
  • It's like she walking on a carpet of mice.
Dan Egan
  • Nothing says regular American like standing on the street corner yelling at at strangers.
  • Try to make it like a regular crate, Gary, and not Thor's hammer.
  • The fuck stops here, Dan.
Ben Caffrey
  • I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight.
  • They're going to have a field day with that haircut. "Thai lady boy made head of sweatshop."
Gary Walsh
  • Perfect shoe for the perfect moment in the perfect life of a perfect woman.
  • It's one percent! That's nothing. You're basically second. You're second in our eyes, I'll tell you that much.
Kent Davison
  • Ma'am. We're America. We're always at war.
Amy Brookheimer
  • She is so good at making people believe she's good with people.
Jonah's Mom
  • Like you always say, sweetie. Haters gonna hate.