06/10/2014 08:02 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Jay-Z's 99 Problems (EXCERPT)

Paul A. Hebert/Invision/AP

1. Someone might figure out the Z stands for Zippy.
2. Missing Golden Girls DVD box set.
3. People pronouncing my name “Jaze.”
4. Don’t really enjoy rap music.
5. Rap patrol on gat patrol.
6. A bitch. Ha! Gotcha. No, just kidding. It’s mosquitos.
7. Overall concern over the direction of the Dr. Who franchise.
8. Where to dump Hal Linden’s body.
9. Ficus plant seems droopy.
10. Do I have enough sunglasses?
11. Is it possible to EVER have enough sunglasses?
12. If not, have I set myself up for a life without satisfaction where a thousand sunglasses will never be as good as two thousand sunglasses?
13. How can I go about buying all the sunglasses?
14. How do I persuade everyone else in the world to destroy or give me their sunglasses so no one else can ever have sunglasses?
15. These grapes taste weird.
16. Inconvenient money allergy.
17. Ventriloquism classes not going well. Can’t nail the B sound.
18. Rap critics that say I’m money, cash, hoes.
19. The U.S. can’t seriously compete in Olympic table tennis.
20. Hoses on the soda fountain that dispense champagne are getting all gummed up.
21. Are my shiny things as shiny as they could be?
22. How do I go about firing my shiny thing shiner?
23. Do I have a human resources person I need to talk to first?
24. How do I advertise for a new shiny things shiner? Craigslist? Seems wrong.
25. What kind of questions do you ask someone like that in an interview?
26. Pet tiger seems bored.
27. Other pet tiger unaccounted for (note: they don’t really play fetch. Not in the classical sense.)
28. Have to get more gazelle for tiger(s), stocks running low.
29. Fools that want to make sure my casket’s closed.
30. Martin Mull’s a good actor. Why can’t he get a series?
31. Beyoncé’s former Destiny’s Child bandmates still “crashing” in the rec room. It’s been three months.
32. Chafing.
33. Art Garfunkel won’t return my calls.
34. Might lose favorite rhyming dictionary someday and career will be over.
35. I’m rich, happily married, popular, and respected. I guess this is more a brag than a problem.
36. Potty mouth.
37. What if there’s someone left in the world who doesn’t know who I am?
38. The ending of The Sopranos.
39. The ending of According to Jim.
40. Music is fine, but should I have stayed in the crack-dealing business?
41. How much would it cost to shrink a rhino to the size of a small dog to keep as a pet?
42. Who can do that for me?
43. How do I get a hold of that rhino-shrinking person?
44. Could I give shrunken rhino pets as gifts to friends or is that presumptuous?
45. What would I name my shrunken rhino pet? “Killer”? “Tupac”? “Pointy”?
46. What if all my fans start shrinking down rhinos to copy me and then they can’t take care of them and abandon them? Because that would be a lot of guilt on me for starting this thing.
47. Could I just have a rhino horn surgically grafted on to a dog? Might be easier.
48. Beyoncé isn’t very supportive when it comes to my interest in exotic pets.
49. Toothpaste tubes look all ugly.
50. No one sells a toothpaste tube encrusted in diamonds.
51. Jerks at Crest don’t take my ideas seriously.
52. Rap mags try and use my black ass so advertisers can give ’em more cash for ads.
53. Do I sometimes come across as a little arrogant to people?
54. Constant thoughts that I should go back and get my bachelor’s degree just in case.
55. Shamrock Shake only available once a year.
56. Beyoncé might be too pretty all the time, if that’s actually a thing.
57. Sometimes I don’t know what’s actually a thing.
58. No one’s written a “These Are Things” book or made a “These Are Things” rap video.
59. Sucker MCs.
60. Tim Conway films only sporadically available on Blu-Ray.
61. Solid gold helicopter can’t even get off the ground because it’s too heavy.
62. Same with solid gold hovercraft.
63. Solid gold submarine sinks just fine, but can’t get back up to surface without being pulled by a solid gold cable.
64. Purchased Argentina but I lack a real understanding of the country’s politics and culture.
65. Started several wars with other South American nations modeled on rap beefs.
66. Responsible for the deaths of thousands of citizens.
67. After I resigned as President of Argentina, Justin Timberlake wouldn’t accept the position no matter how nicely I asked.
68. Neither would Kanye.
69. Or DMX.
70. Or LeBron James.
71. Going to have to sell Argentina at a loss and play two or even three concerts to make back money.
72. Fear of ants (they don’t have faces).
73. Can’t get that “I Want My Baby Back” Chili’s jingle out of my head.
74. Can’t figure out a way to at least rap over it and release it as a single to pay for a new head.
75. Cat keeps looking at me weird.
76. Cat won’t wear diamond-encrusted mask.
77. Am a werewolf.
78. Body may be rejecting transplanted spine made of gold.
79. Gold spine sometimes sets off alarms at airports.
80. Can’t find a good novel to read. John Grisham just seems to be repeating himself.
81. The mumps.
82. Damn public radio pledge drives.
83. Subscription to McSweeney’s Quarterly ran out and Dave Eggers never told me (will take it up with him at book club.)
84. Worry someone will discover that I’m secretly a member of Bon Iver.
85. Making sure Beyoncé and I buy Blue Ivy the right school.
86. Concerned that my daughter will feel like she has to go into entertainment like her parents. She can do anything she wants as long as she’s the best in the world at it.
87. Giraffes sure look freaky. What if one gets into the house and chases me?
88. Can’t find anyone to kill all the giraffes.
89. Can’t find anyone to cover all the giraffes with thick black curtains.
90. Can’t find anyone to affix electronic sensors to giraffes so that if they get too close to the house a big WHOOOOOP-WHOOOOOP sound goes off.
91. −12x − 4 = −103
92. Can’t figure out bus schedule.
93. These hover beans don’t work because I can’t hover.2014-06-09-dear_luke_cvr.jpg
94. When I’m chewing the finest gum in the world—which costs $10,000 a stick—and someone asks me for a piece of gum and I give it to them and that’s fine but maybe they don’t appreciate how fancy and valuable that gum is.
95. Plot holes in Gremlins that I’m going to have to address before the feature film marionette reboot I’m directing.
96. Never going to out-cool Evel Knievel.
97. Robo-Jay android doppelgänger keeps malfunctioning, attacking fans.
98. Climate change.
99. Can’t get the hang of Ultimate Frisbee.

Reprinted from the book Dear Luke, We Need To Talk. Darth by John Moe. Copyright © 2014 by John Moe. Published by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of Crown, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company.

Dear Luke, We Need To Talk. Darth is available on Amazon and at Barnes and Noble.