08/01/2014 01:07 pm ET Updated Aug 01, 2014

Dick Morris Still Making Typically Dumb Dick Morris Pronouncements

Win McNamee via Getty Images

On Thursday, Dick Morris -- Hurricane Sandy victim and wrongest man in America (even when he's attempting to admit that he's wrong) -- brought forth to America new prognostication, courtesy of Newsmax:

"If I open the newspaper tomorrow and I learn that Obama resigned, I wouldn't be surprised," Morris added.

I guess Dick Morris is going to read about 800 or so more newspapers and experience a shock each and every time. Which is weird, because if Morris can stick it out in this punditry game this long without suffering a sudden burst of self-awareness that causes him to leave his home and go live naked in the woods somewhere, then anyone should feel OK about keeping their jobs.

Meanwhile I read that for reasons well beyond the ability of mere humans to fathom, Morris is attempting to reinvent himself as some sort of financial guru who will be offering retirees his "market predictions":

Phil Cannella, Retirement Phase Expert, has joined forces with internationally known political insider, Dick Morris to educate investors across the tri-state area on how to protect their nest eggs in preparation for the retirement phase of life.

Eric Hananoki of Media Matters runs down some of Morris' track record with penny stocks:

  • Morris sent an April 9 sponsored email from Champlain Media that touted American Heritage International (AHII) and advised readers to "buy now while the stock is still selling in the 1-2 range" so you could "potentially double or triple your money." The stock is now trading at $0.20.
  • Morris sent a January 6 sponsored email from The Myers Letter that touted Centor Energy (CNTO), claiming that "CNTO is set to jump from 1 to8. And that's my short-term outlook. Longer term could see the stock climb to 25 and from there onwards to 100." The stock is now trading at $0.04.
  • Morris sent a November 27, 2013 sponsored email from Tobin Smith (who was fired from Fox News for ethics reasons), who claimed North American Oil & Gas (NAMG) is expected "to quickly soar off today's 1.00 share price to 30 or more." The stock is now trading at $0.08.

Dear God, people, please, do not let Dick Morris happen to your money. What did your money ever do to deserve that? Your money was only trying to be nice.

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