Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Nothing makes a toddler move slower than the phrase, “hurry up.”

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 11, 2014

I'm on a college schedule -- staying up, sleeping in -- which is awesome but I have kids who wake up early and destroy things.

— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) August 15, 2014

My snooze button is just me telling the kids to go ahead and have marshmallows for breakfast.

— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 14, 2014

Asking your kids to wash your car is a good idea only if you specify that they must not open the door and stick a hose inside.

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) August 13, 2014

Children screaming bloody murder!!

Me: My god, what's wrong?!!!!!

7 year old: Chase took a bite of my Airhead candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) August 12, 2014

My kids are arguing over who is "more epic-er."

I vote for whoever learns to use the English language correctly first.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 12, 2014

Gave my kids a history lesson today. Saw a pay phone - they took turns listening to the dial tone. Taught them how to call grandma collect.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 11, 2014

Me: We didn't even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age.

6yo: Did you have bikes?

Me....nope, we rode horses.

6yo: WOOOOW

— Rockﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸ (@TheMichaelRock) August 14, 2014

Making my kids watch old-school episodes of Knight Rider and my daughter said, "So, it's pretty much just a car with Siri built in?"

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) August 18, 2014

I wish I loved any song in the world as much as my kids love the pre-programmed demo on their keyboard.

— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) August 5, 2014

6 year old child for sale.

*manners sold separately

— ShotofCherye (@CheryeDavis) August 8, 2014

When my kid is gone, I'm like Pavlov's dog but instead of drooling I go straight to the bathroom to pee alone while I have the chance.

— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) August 11, 2014

*wearing just my bra & panties*

4: Mama, you look fancy!

M: Really?

4: Wait, not fancy. I meant funny.

M: That makes more sense.

— JuneBug (@jenyb4) August 14, 2014

How do I feel about my son taking my bras out of the drawer and wearing them around the house? Mostly "better him than me."

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 13, 2014

I just burst into tears because I got one leg stuck in my trousers. And that, Twitter, is how well I'm coping with being 8 mths pregnant.

— Dr Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) August 11, 2014

Me: Finish your potatoes.

4-year-old: But if I eat all my dinner, I won’t have room for candy.

She’s got the right priorities.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2014

If I change my name to 'Service Technician', can I give the babysitter a 10 hour window for when I'll be back to get my kids?

— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) August 12, 2014

Optimism: Grandma putting a brand-new white duvet on the bed for my kids.
Realism: setting aside dry-cleaning cash for my MIL's new duvet.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 17, 2014

Son peed his pants at 4am, daughter at 5, then my dog pissed on the floor at 6. Worst 3 things to happen in a row since the Jonas brothers.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) August 17, 2014

I'm one load away from completely empty laundry baskets, which, of course, means someone will wet the bed or puke tonight.

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) August 18, 2014

Beer tastes a lot better when you're a parent.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 15, 2014