Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
If you've ever picked someone else's nose, you might be a parent.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) August 30, 2014
Cool, you can curl 50 lbs but I can carry a baby on my hip, a purse & a dozen grocery bags on each arm to avoid making 2 trips to the car.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) August 23, 2014
Toddlers' hands are so small and gentle and clumsy and cute and armed with razorblades for fingernails. So be safe out there.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 28, 2014
It's the time of year when kids start school, parents get sick of filling out paper work, and teachers judge our parenting skills at lunch.
— Mommalicious (@SouthrnPinUpMom) August 26, 2014
1st day of school: Hell yeah, kids are gone!
3rd day: F-you math homework.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) August 25, 2014
Sometimes the most scary thing you can hear from your toddler is the question: "Can I Help?"....
— The Dadinator (@dadinating) August 25, 2014
When a toddler says, "Let me do it, Daddy" it means "let me do it every possible incorrect way while you slowly lose your mind."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 27, 2014
3yo (after discovering the flap in the front of his underpants): "It's a secret passage...TO MY PENIS!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) August 28, 2014
I just overheard this man say, "Whenever we make salads for the kids they just love it."
I hate him.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) August 28, 2014
Me: Found one of your sippy cups, bud.
2yo: I put away.
Me: Thank you, that's a big help!
2yo: Ok. *Throws in linen closet and walks away.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 26, 2014
3yo: I need a snack! Waaa!
Me: You're not getting anything until you stop whining! *There's a chance my kid doesn't eat again until he's 22*
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) August 24, 2014
My daughter convinced my wife to allow her to bring the hula hoop in the house.
Now I make popcorn, open a beer and watch this unfold.
— Salamingia (@salamingia) August 26, 2014
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2014
6yo: Mom imagine if we never needed sleep again & we could run & play all day & night long?
Me: Honey I don't like to imagine nightmares.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) August 28, 2014
If you have kids, the question isn't "is the Frozen soundtrack still part of my life" it's "how long will this continue before I go insane?"
— Skinnie Talls (@SkinnieTalls) August 28, 2014
Yelling "GO FISH!!!!" when playing cards with kids is immensely cathartic when they don't understand the subtext.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) August 26, 2014
My kid walked past her perfectly capable father to ask me for a snack while I was relaxing in the bath... And that folks is motherhood.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) August 28, 2014
Parenting is a conglomeration of everything I've never learned.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) August 28, 2014
It's a tough definition to give when your kids ask you to explain what you meant when you said you were Macgyvering something for them.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) August 25, 2014
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch, yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) September 1, 2014
My son Atticus has started saying "my eyes are turning black" when he's tired. Because he closes his eyes and sees blackness. KIDS R CREEPY
— Amanda Nelson (@ImAmandaNelson) August 27, 2014
Putting my child in time out...I'd like to think she's reflecting, but deep down I'm pretty sure she's using the time to plot her revenge
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) August 31, 2014
"Stop rubbing your hamburger on her leg!"
I've never done acid. But I do have a toddler.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 28, 2014
My daughter better appreciate that the tooth fairy showed up the first night she put her tooth under her pillow.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) August 26, 2014
If it weren't for kids having nightmares, I'd never be awake to see what the Internet does at 3:46 am. Thanks kids!
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) August 26, 2014
Me: You know I love you right?
5: I already know that. You say it all the time. You say it every day
Parenting. Sometimes it's that simple.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) August 28, 2014
Keep clicking: See last week's funniest parenting tweets >>