POLITICS
09/08/2014 05:29 pm ET Updated Sep 08, 2014

HUFFPOST HILL - Congress Back, All Tanned & Stuff

The first day of Congress is a bit like the first day of school, except schoolchildren don’t quit after three weeks because they couldn’t reach a joint agreement on crayon sharing. The First Lady wrote a story for Upworthy and you won’t believe the inspiring thing that happened next. And Kay Hagan’s campaign blasted out an email simply titled, “We need money.” We give it two weeks until the follow up email arrives in our inbox, “YOU MAY HAVE ONE $1 MILLION, PLEASE RESPOND WITH BANK ROUTING # AND SS # TO CLAIM PRIZE.” This is HUFFPOST HILL for Monday, September 8th, 2014:

CONGRESS RETURNS TO WORK DOING AS LITTLE OF THE PEOPLE'S BUSINESS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE - Someone needs to get the bill from "Schoolhouse Rock" an inflatable seat cushion because he's been sittin' there on Capitol Hill for a long ass time. AP: "Lawmakers are streaming back to Capitol Hill after their summer vacation for an abbreviated September session in which feuding Democratic and Republican leaders promise action to prevent a government shutdown while holding votes aimed at defining the parties for the fall campaign. Republicans control the House and want to pad their 17-vote majority, so they intend to follow this simple rule: first, do no harm...Republicans are pressing for drama-free passage of a temporary spending bill to prevent a shutdown at month's end and fund government agencies into mid-December. The Senate is sure to go along if the measure is kept free of objectionable add-ons. House Republicans also plan votes aimed at drawing attention to legislation they say would boost jobs and energy production." [AP]

PRIMARY SEASON COMING TO AN END - Samantha Lachman: "In Massachusetts, Attorney General Martha Coakley is running for political redemption. And former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Mass.) is trying to return to the chamber to represent New Hampshire, where he could end the state's all-female congressional delegation. While Rhode Island's Democratic gubernatorial primary is competitive, New York's isn't -- though law school professor Zephyr Teachout has still managed to draw attention to some of Gov. Andrew Cuomo's (D) shortcomings for progressive voters." [HuffPost]

SHUTDOWN WATCH - Jake Sherman and John Bresnahan: "House Republican leadership is considering extending the charter for the Export-Import Bank until early December, potentially lining it up with the next government shutdown threat, according to sources in both parties. The Export-Import Bank’s charter expires at the end of September, and despite stiff opposition from some GOP conservatives and outside groups, it’s likely to get extended this week. Several sources said it will be a part of the government-funding bill that could hit the floor as early as Thursday, Republican aides said." Good luck, you guys. [Politico]

The Heritage Foundation came out today against any government funding bill that also funds the Export-Import bank.

FORMER ABRAMOFF LOBBYIST PISSED AT THINGS WANTS IN ON ALL THAT RUSSIAN MONEY - HuffPost Hill's Former Abramoff Lobbyist Pissed At Things, fresh off pegging "Lobbyist for Hire" tag flyers around McLean, is a little cash-strapped. Luckily, the Russians have come to town. "FALPAT just spent his last unemployment check on Rosetta Stone to learn Russian," FALPAT writes. "These dingdongs are spending blood money around town faster than a well-vodka'd Russian sailor at a Crimean casino. FALPAT has no ethics and can hang out at Cafe Milano looking important, knowing no one but whispering like he has something insightful to say about the fake meetings he really didn’t set up on your behalf. Forget Breau, Lott, Ketchum, Berman and all the rest. FALPAT is for hire." Thanks, FALPAT!

DAILY DELANEY DOWNER - The Associated Press reports a giant metaphor has occurred in Colorado: "More than 1,000 people flown in to the small Colorado resort town of Crested Butte for the filming of Anheuser-Busch's Bud Light commercial were having problems leaving the party Sunday evening. The beer giant paid $500,000 to paint several blocks of a central street blue and otherwise temporarily revamp the town into fictional Whatever, USA, for its 'Up for Whatever' campaign. The company said the travel delays stemmed from a large number of people trying to depart the Gunnison-Crested Butte Regional Airport after the two-day event." L'enfer, c'est Bud Lite. [AP]

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WHITE HOUSE SETS NEW IMMIGRATION REFORM DEADLINE - Immigration reform is quickly becoming the Ford Edsel of policy reform. Sam Stein and Elise Foley: "After delaying executive action on immigration for a second time, the White House imposed a new deadline on Monday, promising to make changes by the end of the year. President Barack Obama 'does intend to act and he'll do it by the end of the year,' Cecilia Muñoz, a top White House domestic policy adviser, said Monday on MSNBC. 'But it's also true that we're in a highly politicized environment right now.' For immigration reform advocates, the promise of action by year's end is met with a huge heaping of skepticism, as the administration has pushed back its self-imposed deadlines before. The White House announced on Saturday that it would wait until after the election to take executive action on immigration, including making potential changes to deportation policy that could protect people with long-standing ties to the U.S." [HuffPost]

CONSERVATIVES REACT TO WENDY DAVIS' ABORTION STORY - Temporary ceasefire in the war on women/war for women. Laura Bassett: "[O]pponents of legal abortion gave careful, measured responses this weekend to the revelation that Davis had made the difficult decision to terminate two pregnancies for health reasons in the past... [Davis' opponent, Texas Attorney General Greg] Abbott avoided politics on Sunday and expressed sympathy for his opponent instead. 'The unspeakable pain of losing a child is beyond tragic for any parent,' Abbott said. 'As a father, I grieve for the Davis family and for the loss of life.' Joe Pojman, an anti-abortion activist with Texas Alliance for Life, also sympathized with Davis in a statement to the San Antonio Express-News, but said he still disagrees with her choice to have an abortion." [HuffPost]

Michelle Obama going full clickbait and publishing in Upworthy: "I Really Hope The Parents Of These People Get To See What They Said Here. They'd Probably Cry." [Upworthy]

PAT ROBERTS REALLY NEEDS TO TRY HARDER - Maybe he thinks we have a British-type system and that he can simply "Stand" as senator for Kansas. The Hill: "Though Republican Sen. Pat Roberts insists Kansas remains his home, on Federal Election Commission filings documenting campaign reimbursements to him and his wife, he lists his Alexandria, Va., address. The detail is sure to raise further questions about whether the incumbent is still connected enough to Kansas to represent it in the Senate, questions that dogged him throughout his primary fight and have contributed to his unexpected vulnerability in the general election this fall. According to data analyzed by Democratic research firm American Bridge and provided to The Hill, Roberts’s campaign has reimbursed the senator and his wife, Franki Roberts, a total $2,342 this cycle for various expenditures." [The Hill]

SCOTT BROWN BESTOWS STRANGE AWARD - Though among Scott Brown accolades nothing really equals the prestige of the award for "achievement in red truckiness" which he recently laid at the tire of a fire engine. Time: "Janice Leahy, a small businesswoman in New Hampshire, still doesn’t understand why Republican senate candidate Scott Brown gave her a 'hero' award when they met in May...Leahy had met with Brown at a diner in Windham to talk about the burden of Obamacare on her small software and professional services businesses. That’s when he presented her with a polished black plaque, emblazoned with the words, 'Women for Scott Brown.'... Leahy, a Republican, says she was left confused and embarrassed by the whole episode. She also says she is not sure she will vote for Brown in November, given his 2012 vote against an equal pay bill, an issue close to her heart given that she works in a male-dominated industry." [Time]

Speaking of imaginary things: "A Democratic congressman running for the U.S. Senate is bringing back Clint Eastwood's conversation with an empty chair to make the point that his Republican opponent has refused to debate him. Rep. Gary Peters (D-Mich.) will hold a "debate" Monday evening in Grand Rapids after a local television station was forced to postpone one scheduled for the evening because GOP candidate Terri Lynn Land refused to participate. 'Peters will invoke Clint Eastwood and bring a chair to symbolize Terri Lynn Land and her unwillingness to participate in any of the debate invitations both campaigns have received,' Peters' campaign wrote in a press release." [HuffPost's Samantha Lachman]

Noted chicken and pickle purveyor and unapologetic homophobe S. Truett Cathy has died.

BECAUSE YOU'VE READ THIS FAR - Here's a dog enjoying a bath.

FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT THE SUN, DOES IN FACT, SET ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE - WaPo: "The once-unthinkable prospect that Britain could be ripped apart this month with a vote for Scottish independence became bracingly real Monday after the campaign to keep the three-century-old union together was accused of panicking amid polls showing the referendum in a dead heat. Just 10 days before the vote, the new surveys depicted a dramatically tightening race after months in which the 'no' side appeared to hold a comfortable lead....The potential consequences of the Sept. 18 vote are vast for a nation that could be hard-pressed to continue to call itself Britain if a third of its land mass disappears beyond a foreign border. Britain’s military, economy and politics could be reshaped with the vote — as could its image as a world power, even if that status has been long in decline." [WaPo]

COMFORT FOOD

- Jimmy "The rent is too damn high" McMillian is now shilling for cab-hailing app Hail-O with a video, "The rates are too damn high"

- Dog with two broken legs adapts

- Olive Garden is offeringunlimited pasta for seven weeks, because our empire isn't declining fast enough.

- The science behind brewing beer.

TWITTERAMA

@MarkLeibovich:: "Mr. Rice, have you met my dear friend Lanny Davis?"

@LOLGOP: 3 women a day are murdered by a partner or ex. But we have real problems to solve -- like you not being able to bring your AK into Panera.

@mollyesque: Inbox: NHGOP STATEMENT ON CHARGES BEING DROPPED AGAINST TOWN HALL CHICKEN

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