Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I'm trying one more time and then it'll be his future wife's problem.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 6, 2014
I wish my kid followed my instructions as well as he follows Dora the Explorer's.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) October 6, 2014
"Did you seriously bring me to a party where there's no cake?"
- my 6 yr old's assessment of the neighborhood block party thus far
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) October 5, 2014
Toddler Hangover: The migraine you get after all the whine you just consumed.
— Papa Does Preach (@Papa_Preaches) October 4, 2014
Kid #1: Daddy, what's a hangover?
Dad: *points at kid #2*
— Topher Jokes (@Iwriteforcats) October 9, 2014
[Showing a friend around the house]
Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.
*motions to area covered in popcorn.
— Lame Dad (@jergarl) October 5, 2014
I think my son thinks "Don't do that" means "Do that immediately and never stop"
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) October 11, 2014
I will find what annoys you and do it over and over and over again.
— Ann (@writerPT) October 5, 2014
"Put the screwdriver down and get away from the glitter" <-- Typical instructions for my 7yo daughter.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 6, 2014
"Mom, you never buy me French fries when I want them. You only buy them for me when you want some" #StuffMyKidsHaveSaid
— keepitrealmom (@keepitrealmom) October 7, 2014
Considering pirates are so popular with children, I'm surprised there isn't a "Captain Phillips" Lego set.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 8, 2014
Why Does The Couch Smell Like Pee
- a guide to parenting
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) October 9, 2014
I told my 6 y/o daughter we were going to get drive thru Taco Bell and she said "do I have to put on pants?" and she raises a valid point
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) October 5, 2014
Me - Okay guys, we're going to the gym
6 - It's about time mom, you haven't gone in forever.
Me - Get out.
— Katie (@katiestrong) October 8, 2014
Back-to-school night last night. Then straight to CVS for some Airborne, Stridex and Wet Wipes.
— Jersey (@ItsMrWoody2U) October 8, 2014
19 years of education. 2 degrees. 39 years old. Yet here I am. Losing an argument with a 3 yr old about wearing his Halloween costume to bed
— Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) October 9, 2014
My kids are pretty ballsy considering they don't know our wifi password.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 8, 2014
My daughter is I Don't Know Where I Left My Homework and It's All Your Fault, Mom! years old.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) October 9, 2014
M: How was your day at school?
14 & 16: Good. We snapchatted each other all day.
I'm paying for this education.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 7, 2014
8 YO: What does the the middle finger mean?
Me: Where would you have ever seen a thing like that?
8YO: You did it to Dad.
Me: ohhhh. Yup.
— Cat (@MsKitty101) October 10, 2014
Does anyone remember what you learned in fifth grade? Because I have NO IDEA what what my son is talking about.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) October 10, 2014
I need to teach my daughter about spoiler alerts. This Doc McStuffins episode is basically ruined now.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 12, 2014
Having kids is the best way to tell the world that you no longer care to be on time.
— Los (@LosLos__) October 8, 2014
My kids are crying for dinner at 4:30.
Weird, I don't remember them turning 80.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) October 9, 2014
My kid asked me what it was like having children so I just kept requesting pizza and saying I wasn't tired.
Then I passed out on the floor.
— Noir (@Go2Slp) October 8, 2014
Seriously tho... I love my kids, but damn I'm tired.
— Mommalicious (@SouthrnPinUpMom) October 8, 2014
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