DIVORCE
10/13/2014 08:03 pm ET

Big Questions You Have To Ask Your Partner Before Marriage (If You Want To Avoid Divorce)

Fabrice LEROUGE via Getty Images

You don't often hear newly engaged couples asking divorcés for marriage advice -- but maybe they should.

Who better to school you on what doesn't work in a marriage than someone who's been there, done that, and got the t-shirt? Given that, we had to hand it to this marriage-bound Redditor who had the good sense to ask married folks and divorcés to weigh in with the conversations they wished they would have broached with their partners before tying the knot.

"Tell me your horror stories," the Redditor bravely asked in her call-out. "Specific questions, not just money, children, sex but things that wouldn't cross your mind until you've actually been married."

Below, 11 of the most interesting responses.

1. "How does he try to make you feel loved and validated? Does it work? How do you try to make him feel loved and validated? Does it work?"

2. "Prenup or not to prenup?"

3. "Do we have more than just love? I would step back from your relationship and look at the components besides love. We all like to believe 'love will conquer all,' but it doesn't. It's 100 percent necessary, but you also need trust, honesty, respect and forgiveness. Marriage is really freaking hard, especially when it has to withstand outside hardships, but if you have all four of the above, you can not only survive those things, but thrive in them."

4. "Asking the hard questions about children is really important. Not just how many, but questions about education and religion and basic child-rearing philosophies. For school, are you thinking private, public or homeschooling? What about discipline? How do you feel about time outs, spankings and grounding?"

5. "Is your S.O. your absolute best friend? The person you respect most in the universe? If not, don't marry them."

6. "Are you sure you're not just getting caught up in the hype of getting married? I'm divorced and mainly I wish I hadn't ignored the red flags, which in my opinion, become harder and harder to recognize the closer you get to the wedding. Once you announce your engagement, your mindset turns more to the excitement of the wedding and you tend to turn a blind eye to the warning signs. Plus, the thought of canceling the wedding can be enough to convince anyone that they can somehow make it work. But trust me, divorce is harder than calling off a wedding."

7. "Are you both completely satisfied with your sex lives? Is there anything either party wants but isn't getting?"

8. "Ask yourselves all of these questions to make sure you're prepared: 1. Accidental pregnancy, what do we do? 2. Fired/laid off from job, what do we do? 3. Financial crunch (car problems, medical bills, leaking water pipes, etc.), what do we do? 4. Our parents are getting old, what do we do?"

9. "I borrowed this more or less from Dan Savage: If one of us cheats, what is the outcome?"

10. "One thing I wish I would have discussed with my husband is extended family dynamics. The one major problem we've ever had in 32 years of marriage is his family. They didn't like me. I bent over backwards for these people and eventually won over his dad and won over his mom for the most part. His siblings and their spouses? Not so much. It caused many, many uncomfortable times for me and because my husband is super non-confrontational, he never stood up for me."

11. "Define 'marriage' for yourselves. What exactly are you committing to?"

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