The ladies of Twitter were on their A-game while dating this week. We need to take a page out of Gaby Dunn's book of pick up lines after she tweeted, "'You're telling me you made it this far in life without knowing your Hogwarts house?!' - another successful conversation with a man." Very smooth.
As the week wound down, the women of twitter were, understandably, a bit tired. Twitter user AnotherBottleofWhine was one of the many exhausted ladies excitedly awaiting for Friday, "I love you. // - a thing I just whispered to my bed." TGITW (Thank God It's The Weekend).
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
My four year old telling me "mama I chewed my ice into a potato" is like watching a dna test come back positive
— kelly jean (@kjmeow) October 14, 2014
I'm not athletic but if overthinking was an Olympic sport I'd have six gold medals, an endorsement with Subway and my face on a Wheaties box
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 14, 2014
Just said "you're not the boss of me" to my mother. Regression complete.
— Roxane Gayrten (@rgay) October 15, 2014
"You're telling me you made it this far in life without knowing your Hogwarts house?!" - another successful conversation with a man
— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) October 15, 2014
My diet would be going just fine if I didn't have a mouth.
— Athena Mystique (@AthenaMystique) October 13, 2014
I love you.
- a thing I just whispered to my bed.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) October 13, 2014
every time I log on to Tumblr it’s like walking into a room and forgetting why I went there and then watching that room’s TV for 20 minutes.
— Crissy (@frizzyfilazzo) October 16, 2014
At the height of sexual passion, yell into his ear, “TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR”
— Anna Breslaw (@annabreslaw) October 16, 2014
Just found out my niece thinks the lyrics to "Loyal" are "These girls are lawyers!" She better think that forever.
— Lauren Williams (@laurenwilliams) October 6, 2014
We’re all just thinking about @miles_teller all the time, right? Not just me?
— Emma Straub (@emmastraub) October 14, 2014
A 15ish year old boy on the train just told his friends the music he liked "trap, big house and Alt J". Literally what are those things.
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) October 16, 2014
There's really no better phrase to describe my existence than "Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries."
— Maura Brannigan (@maura_brannigan) October 16, 2014
Really excited by all the new ways that technology companies are inventing for me to have my identity stolen.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 16, 2014
I wonder if birds ever get shit on by their friends and family too.
— Raspooky Jam (@Jenny4ashley) October 14, 2014
Just made myself a dinner of cereal and Cheetos so yes I'm interested in hiring a caretaker
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) October 12, 2014
I bet Beyoncé And Jay Z never have to look around their house for scissors.
— Jenni Konner (@campsucks) October 13, 2014
— Zerlina Maxwell (@ZerlinaMaxwell) October 16, 2014
"You know, usually I'd be down to roll all over the floor but I had a gynecological procedure this morning." --real thing I said today
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) October 14, 2014
mommy, when i grow up i want to be a person who gets paid to embed a tweetstorm into a blog post
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) October 16, 2014
Everyone thinks Pinterest is all fun and DIY, but give the wrong people a glue gun and some fruit and that shit gets dark fast.
— Charlotte Palermino (@charlotteparler) October 16, 2014
Fuck that first guy ever who opened a pomegranate and was like "This seems like a good ratio of sustenance to labor exerted."
— Lauren Morelli (@lomorelli) October 15, 2014