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10/23/2014 02:45 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Know A Liar? (Even You?) 7 Strategies For Getting To The Truth

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Everyone lies. (Watch Dr. Phil call out his entire audience on it!) People lie an average of three times in the first 10 minutes that they’re trying to get to know each other. A recent survey revealed that men lie six times a day and women lie 3 times a day. Some lies are small (“You haven’t aged one bit!” or “Sorry I’m late, but traffic was horrible!”), but others, like infidelity, can destroy a relationship. If you’re close to someone who isn’t trustworthy — or you’re the one who’s not being transparent — you can start making a change with Dr. Phil’s strategies:

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1. Start by being honest with yourself.
The most destructive lies we tell are the ones we tell ourselves. When you lie to yourself, you're really crippling your ability to interact with the world because how you present yourself to the world impacts how you are treated in return.

2. Negotiate for what you want — don’t just try to take it with a lie.
For example, if you want a baby, going off the pill and tricking your spouse into getting you pregnant is not the way to go! Every lie has a cost. Instead of going about it the wrong way, try pushing for what you want in a mature, straightforward way.

3. You teach people how to treat you.
You are complicit in someone else’s deception when you are willfully blind. Is it clear as day that your partner is cheating but you turn a cheek? If you’re in denial, then you are teaching someone he can get away with lying to you. Are you willing to settle for what you’re doing, or do you want to teach someone that you deserve better?

4. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
If something doesn’t feel right to you, it probably isn’t. And for every rat you see, there could be 50 you can’t. When someone gets caught lying, it’s likely there are more.

5. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
Be real with yourself and with your partner. Be honest with yourself about whether somebody is using you or misrepresenting things to you. Of course that will be painful and could leave you feeling betrayed, but you can’t move forward until you recognize what’s going on. That takes courage and strength; you may surprise yourself with both when you start to get real.

6. Be forthcoming when you start a relationship; ask for the same in return.
If you’ve got a secret, it's probably going to come out eventually. So if you think things in your relationship might get serious, you might as well be honest from the beginning. Likewise, if you have trust issues because you’ve been burnt before, you might say from the get-go: “Listen, I’ve been deceived before. So if I seem a little stand-offish or a little suspicious, let me tell you why. I want you to understand where I’m coming from because I’ve got nothing to hide. I hope you’ll do the same.

7. Give a loved one the chance to earn your trust back — if he/she deserves it.
It is possible for your friend or partner to change, but he’s got to earn your trust back one step at a time while you have your eyes wide open. Once he owns it, stops justifying it, and shows that he’s willing and capable of building a new history, you
can start trusting again.

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