I'm really glad I had the volume up super high when this episode started because it opens with loud sex. Exactly the sounds you want the other people in your house to hear coming from your room when you're alone...
ANYWAY, this episode opens with Pete and a new lady friend getting frisky. While ridin' dirty on top, the lady friend has what appears to be a super intense orgasm but, upon completion, she tells Pete it was actually an epileptic seizure. Pete tells his friends at Gibson's the next day that it was the best sex of his life and he's all about her "epi-sexiness" but he can't exactly force her into having seizure sex again. Talk about a predicament. Andre diffuses Pete's sexual seizure frustration by arriving with black framed glasses that he allegedly suddenly needs all the time. Everyone calls bullshit but, like most of Andre's fashion phases, they know they'll have to let this one pass on its own. Not without verbally assaulting him in the process, of course.
Jenny lost the mother-of-the-year moment prize a long time ago and this episode further emphasizes that. With the help of Kevin, Jenny has convinced Ellie for the entirety of her life that takeout Chinese food is actually Jenny's homemade Chinese food. Andre comes over the MacArthur household for dinner and is forced to keep the secret of Jenny's inability to cook, Chinese food or otherwise. Kevin is fed up with Andre's glasses and makes him take them off. Andre proceeds to fake blindness as he walks around the house and "stumbles" on Kevin's league information on the open laptop in the living room. Kevin catches Andre sneaking a peak and plays along with Andre's game but makes it abundantly clear: don't screw with me or I will screw right back. It's a good thing Kevin intimidates Andre because he isn't remotely threatening to anyone else.
Pete spends another night with his new lady friend and attempts to make her have a seizure using various methods. He fails but has sex with her anyway -- sex he deems "great, but not epi-sexy." Kevin semi-calls out Andre for picking up a player he had on his scout team but does by pulling a "guilt con." He refuses to let Andre know he knows that Andre's not actually blind. How very "Friends" of him. Rafi shows up to make things weird, as per usual. He tells the gang about his two new defense classes. One is self-defense for women and the other is self-defense for the men against the women's self-defense moves. In discussing it, he tells the guys about how he takes speed and ends up tackling Pete to the ground to show them his lightning fast moves. The guys pick Pete up and dust him off, telling Rafi to cool it. Then Rafi takes a shit in his pants and everyone realizes it's time to go.
At Ellie's school, the students are bringing in their favorite family recipes. Ellie and her friend Allison force Jenny into agreeing to "make" her "world famous chow mein." Allison's mom also yells at Jenny for Allison coming home smelling like weed. What's the matter, Allison's mom, you never got high in your youth?
Kevin and Andre discuss their trust issues at the MacArthur house. They agree to set the each other's lineups as a sort of "fantasy football trust fall." Naturally, Kevin abuses his power and screws Andre over. Downstairs in the laundry room, Jenny finds that all her clothes out of the dryer smell like weed. She screams Taco's name in anger and he appears from the garage. His "guest stash" of weed was in the lint trap. Jenny airs out her frustrations with Taco, not just about the weed but also about her Chinese food dilemma. Taco has a solution.
In the kitchen of the about-to-be-opened Menage a Cinq (Andre and Russell's wine bar), Jenny has been paired with Taco's step-Eskimo brother -- a Chinese master chef -- to learn how to make chow mein. The chef proves to be really freaking creepy and spends the whole time making noises and playing with dough. Taco comes in to check on the cooking progress and Jenny asks him if the chef is frittata. Obviously the answer is yes. Offended, Taco takes his frittata chef and they leave. Luckily (and by luckily, I mean not at all), Rafi arrives. He brings Andre a bucket (for his employees to shit in?!) and vents about how the Chinese chef has stolen his ex-girlfriend Gail. No chow mein has been made or eaten.
It's game day and Andre is losing by an egregiously bad amount. Rafi, yet again, arrives without invitation and is clutching his penis. He has a "BDE," a "broken dick emergency," and needs to see Andre. Andre sees Rafi's peen without his glasses and the jig is up: everyone knows he can see perfectly fine, as he always has, sans glasses. Rafi fixes his situation by putting his penis in mayonnaise. Andre asks Rafi what happened to his speed and Rafi's not sure. Flashing over to Pete, we realize that in the rough and tumble with Rafi earlier, their mint packs got switched: Rafi's speed mints for Pete's actual breath mints. As such, Pete is a hot (literally sweaty) mess as he hooks up with his lady friend on speed.
Jenny manages to get it together and end up making a massive amount of chow mein for Ellie's class. All seems to be going well until Jenny (and Kevin and Taco...) realizes that Taco's weed stash got into the chow mein and everybody is trippin' balls. One kid falls into his chow mein, the Asian kid announces that he hates geometry, and the teacher is laughing about getting fired. Shit has gone cray.
Rafi approaches Gail and the chef, intent on winning Gail back. The conversation quickly leads to bizarre ninja-esque fighting, which Gail is loving. The chef shits his pants, ending the fight. Another week of "The League" gone by and I feel like I just took acid.
THINGS TO NOTE:
Keep up with "The League" recaps here every week. "The League" airs on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on FXX.