Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Chris Cate, who blogs at The ParentNormal and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read his selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @ParentNormal on Twitter for more!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn't move.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 4, 2014
You know that cool feeling when you know the answer on Jeopardy? Not quite as fulfilling shouting out the answer to Blue's Clues.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 2, 2014
I'm so glad we have a room full of furniture so that my kids can sit on top of me.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 3, 2014
I spent 10 mins arguing with my son whether something on the floor was a spider or dust bunny. I lost. Now I have to bury this dust bunny.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) November 4, 2014
"Mama, do you know what the easiest thing to make out of rock is? A ROCK."
Proof the line between great philosophy & 7yo crazy talk is slim.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) November 5, 2014
November 3rd and the kid's Christmas list is already 5 pages long, which tells me that this year's holiday theme will be "disappointment".
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) November 3, 2014
Me: "Who should I vote for?"
3yo: "Candy because I like candy."
.... and just like that, democracy is explained.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) November 4, 2014
2-year-old: I don’t want to eat my pork chop!
Me: Name one thing that’s wrong with it.
2-year-old: It’s not pizza.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014
I never knew how much of parenting is just fending off one mutiny after another.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 5, 2014
I had another wild night last night.
I put the kids to bed at 8 p.m.
I stayed up and partied until 8:02 p.m.
— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) November 3, 2014
Parenting Grenade: A disciplinary directive lobbed by your spouse as he conveniently leaves the house, i.e. "Have her clean her room." BOOM
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) November 2, 2014
This morning I held a 2 min fam mtg with a demonstration entitled: How to Change a Roll of Toilet Paper. They were in awe of how easy it is.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 2, 2014
Any other parents been tempted to meet their kids' incessant whining for a snack with a dog treat?
Yeah, no. Me either.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) November 5, 2014
Going forward I would like to propose that we stop calling it "the time change" and start calling it "The Reckoning."
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) November 5, 2014
The Kindergarten Teacher was like, "Your son has trouble listening and acts immature" so I was all, "What did you say? LOL JK."
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) November 3, 2014
I'm convinced there's an invisible trap door in my minivan where all the water bottles, sippy cups and snack cups go.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) November 2, 2014
I've been up since 3:45 with sick kids. I'm not feeling tired. This just makes me afraid.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) November 5, 2014
Dear past self:
Being a mom sounds fun? Walk a mile in my shoes, plz.
Full disclosure: the left one is full of baby puke.
— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) November 3, 2014
4: (holds up bikini) Can I wear this tikini, bitini, kibini, AHH, I CAN'T SAY IT!
Me: No, can't say it, can't wear it.
Dodged that bullet.
— Nick Dadamantium (@dadamantium) November 5, 2014
I can solve a Rubix Cube faster than I can solve the puzzle that is my baby's car seat buckle.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 5, 2014
SCIENCE: A dad suffers greater injury than a child if he lands wrong on a trampoline b/c dads have more mass & children are made of Nerf
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) November 4, 2014
Toddler is 100% pissed at me because I ate a cheeto from her bowl, so since she was already mad, I ate the rest of them.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) November 5, 2014
-People most qualified to zip a toddler into a sleeper
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 4, 2014
Winning this card game that my 3 year old made up looks pretty grim. She dealt me 2 cards and herself 50.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) November 3, 2014
Zoey got her polio shot this morning. Based on her reaction, I’m gonna say contracting polio might have been less painful.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) November 4, 2014
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