TEEN
11/13/2014 11:56 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

10 Hilariously Bad Pieces Of Retro Sex Ed Advice For Teens

H. Armstrong Roberts via Getty Images

Sex ed is pretty awkward, but sex ed of the past was apparently even worse.

Parents and teachers have always been generally lousy when it comes to talking about all matters of the heart, but when came to explaining the dreaded "birds and the bees" back in the day, things not only got super squirmy, but also insanely inaccurate.

These are just some of the best snippets of sex ed that will make you oh-so-glad to be a teen today.

1. Girls find making out boring, but they'll do it to please boys.

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"Most girls do not care for the experience, but some of them are willing to submit to it because they believe it’s part of the price they have to pay for the privilege of being taken out by such a wonderful hunk of a man as you happen to be." --Bert Y. Glassberg, 1958

2. Keep your mind virginal, or else...

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“Not only is the mind to be kept pure, but the imagination must be carefully guarded. Turn away from obscene pictures as you would from the most loathsome contagion. -- "What A Man Ought To Know," 1897.

3. Girls who hold hands are easy.

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"No hand-holding during the movie even if he insists and you’d like to. It may be a test to see whether you’re an easy mark." -- "Date Data," 1954.

4. Housework will save you from sexual promiscuity.

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“Housework, particularly floor-scrubbing, is not only great for the female figure, but it’s good for the soul. And it will help take the edge off your sex appetite." -- "Ann Landers Talks to Teen-Agers About Sex," 1963.

5. If you kiss too well, you'll seem too "experienced."

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“A kiss shouldn’t make promises a girl doesn’t plan to keep, and if it’s lacking in ‘technique,’ so much the better. As I’ve said before, a kiss is like a salesman’s spiel: If it’s too perfect, you suspect he’s had so much practice he couldn’t possibly be sincere.”-- "Helen Help Us" by Helen Bottel, 1970

6. Reading romance books is VERY dangerous for your private parts.

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It is not only that novel-reading engenders false and unreal ideas of life, but the descriptions of love-scenes, of thrilling, romantic episodes, find an echo in the girl's physical system and tend to create an abnormal excitement of her organs of sex." --"What A Young Woman Ought To Know", 1913.

7. Ladies, when you're on your period, DO NOT ride in an automobile.

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“The womb is congested during the period, is larger and heavier than normal... Automobile riding and railroad and carriage traveling prove injurious in some instances, greatly increasing the flow of blood." -- "Woman and Her Sex And Love Life," 1917

8. Real boys wait.

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When a boy waits for sex, he'll be “ready with a big splendid manhood to offer in return for the devotion and companionship of a splendid girl.” -"Marked Trails for Boys" by Frank H. Cheley, 1931

9. But not if they get dangerously turned on...

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“You can’t turn a boy on and expect him not to catch on fire.” - "Helen Help Us", 1970

10. Don't jar pickles the wrong way, and don't have sex the wrong way (or something...)

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“You wouldn’t take a diamond and platinum brooch to try to pry open a jar of pickles with it, would you? Using sex in the wrong way adds up to the same thing.”- "Ann Landers Talks to Teen-Agers About Sex," 1963

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