Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting epiphany: It's possible I only beg my kids to sleep, pee and be quiet so much because I never get to do those things myself.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) November 16, 2014
Just when I think my daughter is just like her mom, I find her asleep with her face in her oatmeal and I smile. There I am.
— Dustin Allen Dirks (@Epicdaddy) November 12, 2014
No children, these are not my pajamas I'm still wearing. They are my workout clothing.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) November 12, 2014
The time saving simplicity of toaster waffles for your kids is immediately counter balanced by the tedious task of hair syrup removal.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 12, 2014
Raising kids is like fighting zombies. There's no time to rest, and if you let your guard down, they eat you alive.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 12, 2014
Son, if you're reading this after you've grown, I secretly ate some of your Halloween candy on November 11, 2014.
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) November 12, 2014
If there were a parent training university I'd expect an entire 4 unit class on how to quietly open a bag of chips.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) November 14, 2014
5 year-old: "You're just making up whatever rules you want!"
Me: "No DUH."
— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) November 12, 2014
💃hiding in the bathrooooom💃
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) November 12, 2014
It's a billion dollars for tickets to Taylor Swift's World Tour of Unicorns & Awesome, which = the price of my daughter's happiness (approx)
— Catherine Connors (@herbadmother) November 12, 2014
Parenting tip: If you can't get your kid's attention, just start any video on Youtube and they will be at your side in seconds.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 8, 2014
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I'd apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don't change the taste of pasta.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 9, 2014
3yo: "How old will you be on your birthday?"
Me: "I'm 34 now, what comes after that?"
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) November 10, 2014
Toddlers are like small tornadoes that you have to feed.
— mynameisJimmy (@jimmy_sharpe) November 5, 2014
"Defiant" is my favorite euphemism for "my kid is being an ENORMOUS asshole."
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 11, 2014
I asked my 4-year-old to draw a chicken.
She drew four nuggets and a bottle of ketchup.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2014
It's kind of scary that I'm responsible for three small people and yet I can't find the Enter button on the remote control.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 9, 2014
Oh, you're making an important phone call? Hold on, let me get my trumpet.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 13, 2014
Babies hit the bottle all night, poop their pants, puke, don’t work, don’t pay rent... Reminds me of a drunken roommate I evicted.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 15, 2014
Me: "Hi, I'm here to apply for the boxing referee position."
Him: "What is your experience?"
Me: "I'm a Mother of two."
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) November 9, 2014
Watched 2yo eat every bite of her dinner! Apparently missed her spitting each of those bites out into her water cup though. #2yoalwayswins
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) November 9, 2014
I think the "my diet consists of whatever my kids didn't finish" stage of parenting is my favorite.
— WineIsMySanity (@sanityinabottle) November 8, 2014
3YO: why does the mirror KEEP LOOKING AT MEEEE?!
-the next president of the free world folks
— Sarah Hosseini (@MissguidedMama) November 12, 2014
Dad Fact: I've been kicked, punched, and elbowed in the junk more in my 3.5 years as a dad than in my whole pre-dad life combined.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 7, 2014
My kid just called me her BAE.
I'm not sure if I should be honored or horrified.
— Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) November 14, 2014
Keeping wine sales up for generations!
— Careylikeswine (@careylikeswine) November 13, 2014
Dear sleep fairy,
Please visit this house, and stop the wiggling, whining, and squirming.
— Crazy Working Mother (@Crazed_mother) November 12, 2014
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