Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Being woken up by my son's precious laughter would be the absolute best way to be woken up if it didn't actually wake me up.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 18, 2014
Experience the feeling of getting kids ready for school by shouting words like TEETH and SHOES into an abyss whilst crying into a cup of tea
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) November 18, 2014
90% of parenting is just walking around yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WE'RE ALREADY LATE! FIND YOUR SHOES!"
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 22, 2014
I set my alarm so I know when I have 10 minutes to leave
and my son poops his diaper to let me know I'm running 5 minutes late.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) November 14, 2014
Things my 2-year-old won't throw a temper tantrum about:
— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) November 22, 2014
Don't hate the toddler, hate the tantrum.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) November 20, 2014
It's when you see yourself in your children that you really start to worry for their future.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 20, 2014
"I don't know the answer" I say to my kid as I stare into the electronic device that can potentially connect me to all the world's info
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) November 17, 2014
How do you restore your kids to the factory settings?
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 20, 2014
My kid just thanked me for picking up after him.
Did all the snow make hell freeze over?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 18, 2014
When kids aren't making messes, eating boogers, being annoying, fighting, crapping their pants, getting naked, or puking, they are sweet.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 18, 2014
Sucks that the Build-A-Bear is closing by me. Anyone know where else I can buy my kids a $5 stuffed bear for $55?
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 23, 2014
My tween and her erratic behavior and frequent moods swings remind me of someone...
Oh right. Her as a toddler.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) November 18, 2014
My 7yo cleaned her room before school. Is this because:
A) My lectures finally sunk in
B) She loves to see me smile
C) She wants something
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) November 18, 2014
I'm giving in and lowering my standards for the day: "just don't break anything and/or make a huge mess"
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) November 17, 2014
"Again, Daddy" to a toddler means, "For my amusement, keep doing this until you pass out, puke, or crumble into a pile of dust."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 17, 2014
Kids are like that big mirror in the hotel bathroom pointing out the zits you were hoping no one would notice.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) November 18, 2014
FIND THAT SMELL - the game where no one wins.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) November 19, 2014
My proudest accomplishment as a parent is the great amount of times I've said "Quick as bunnies!" instead of "Hurry the F- up!".
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) November 19, 2014
Organization is a fancy term used by people that don't currently have kids living under their roof.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) November 18, 2014
My 3yo just called from the other room, "Mama? I'm doing something that won't interest you." Any bets?
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) November 18, 2014
If a mom buys one giant Costco bag of Stacy’s chips, how many bags does she have by the time she gets home?
One. It’s just empty.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) November 20, 2014
[at the grocery store]
4-year-old: I want cookies.
Me: We’re not buying any.
4: *licks Oreo package*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014
If I find one more mother fucking Capri Sun straw wrapper on the floor I'm going to pick it up & throw it away like the other 739 I found.
— Mom of the Year™ (@24HourBitching) November 16, 2014
For some people, suffering means living with a life-long debilitating disease. For my 8yo it means eating last night's leftovers, apparently
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 19, 2014
Tater Tot Casserole: Because sometimes a mother's love looks like dog food.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) November 18, 2014
Feeding my kids cold pizza because some day they will go to college and preparation is the key to success.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) November 22, 2014
I have mixed feelings, but I mostly admire the 2yo's ability to show up completely naked to dinner and still demand hot Spaghettios.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 21, 2014
Ok, finally got the toddler to bed, let's get this weekend started.
What do you mean it's already Sunday night?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 17, 2014
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