Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Kim Bongiorno, who blogs at Let Me Start By Saying and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @LetMeStart on Twitter for more!
If my family's love for me was measured in empty containers placed back in the fridge and cupboard, I'd be smothered by their &@$#€! love.
— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) December 3, 2014
Just when you think your life is on the right track, you find yourself sniffing your kids' underwear to check for cleanliness.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) December 3, 2014
3-year-old, dropping marbles on his head: "I’m just taking a shower with my balls.”
— Jeff Vrabel (@jeffvrabel) December 4, 2014
I don’t think anyone can remember life as a 3 year old. Case in point: My 3yo can't even remember I just told him to "Get down from there!"
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 24, 2014
"Now What!?" - A how to guide for parents of young kids
— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) November 25, 2014
Sorry, I have kids so I won't be making it to anything, ever.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) December 3, 2014
If you had to hear your name repeated 3,457 times a day, you'd probably be crazy too.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) December 4, 2014
The only explanation for why I scheduled a doctor appointment and a dentist appointment for my son in the same week is that I hate myself.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) December 4, 2014
I'm chaperoning a 13-hour middle school chorus field trip today...
because I have a flexible work schedule and I hate myself.
— Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris) November 21, 2014
My toddler's pretty particular about which color apple she gets, for someone who's just going to make me peel the whole thing anyway.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) December 3, 2014
3 year old son to his 6 year old sister, "Why don't you have a penis?"
"Because when I was a baby I pushed it in."
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) December 3, 2014
Cleaning up the cookie crumbs around me like a crime scene.
— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) December 3, 2014
DAY 2: I've offered a $5 reward to whichever of the kids comes up with the remote.
So, it's come to this.
— Kat (@dixiedarlin_RN) December 3, 2014
Kids: because sometimes you just want bowel movements fully narrated.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 2, 2014
He peed in the toilet. I flushed it. He wants his pee back.
-Me, explaining to a friend on the phone why my 3 yo is screaming hysterically
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 3, 2014
Frozen (2013): parents shelter their two daughters. one becomes a wanted criminal the other dates every guy she meets. 102 minutes.
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) December 4, 2014
I'd be annoyed by son running around w mistletoe & constantly forcing me to kiss him if it weren't the only action I'll be getting all month
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 2, 2014
School meeting tonight. The first order of business? A request for someone to punch me in the face if I ever sign up for another committee.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) December 2, 2014
I Saw Mommy Making Passive Aggressive Comments to Santa Claus.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) December 4, 2014
I have had a kid home sick for the last two days, of course I'm having wine for dinner.
— WineIsMySanity (@sanityinabottle) December 2, 2014
5yo brushed her teeth, went to the bathroom & I yelled, "REMEMBER WHEN I HAD TO DO ALL OF THAT FOR YOU? HIGH FIVES!"
— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) December 8, 2014
When you've got little ones, Saturday nights are so much f--
What was I saying?
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 23, 2014
Accidental co-sleeping is going to make my chiropractor a millionaire.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) November 24, 2014
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