TEEN
12/15/2014 10:11 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I Wish I Had Loved Myself Enough To Wait For Sex

Oleh Slobodeniuk via Getty Images

Throughout the next few months, HuffPost Teen is highlighting the way teens think and feel about sex through anecdotes written for our series, "Teen Sex: It's Complicated." All of the authors are teenagers who have agreed to be published anonymously. If you want to share your thoughts, join the conversation here.

By Taylor, 18

Just as I ended my junior year of high school, I met the most amazing guy. And I was hooked. I wouldn’t call it love -- it was more of a rush of excitement. Six months later, it's midway through our senior year of high school -- and the last six months together were the happiest I had ever been in my life. He was still intoxicating, he gave me butterflies and he had more control over me than he’d ever know, than I’d ever known.

Well, December, over our winter break, I decided it was time for sex. But little did I know it was not my choice at all. I was not explicitly pressured, but internally pressured. He was my first REAL boyfriend, the person I thought I loved (I’ll explain why I said “thought”). I thought it was just the next step. He wanted to and I wanted him to be happy.

See, “love” is just a release of oxytocin and drop of serotonin that makes us do crazy things. It makes our hearts race and gives us butterflies, and makes us irrational. It's a drug, really. And it SHOULDN’T be this feeling. It should be a choice -- not to commit to another person, but to commit to yourself first. I didn’t love myself enough to hold onto my belief of waiting, so how could I say loved him? If I loved myself, and if I loved him, I would have waited. I regret not waiting. And like I said earlier, it's a drug and I’m hooked. So even a year later, we still have awkward, funny, amazing and exhausting sex, and at that moment, when I’m on that high, I’m on top of the world. But when the high comes back down, I realize I still don’t love myself, and I regret not loving myself enough to walk away from my Temptation, my Little Drug. To me, the word “sex” means you better love yourself first, before you try loving anyone else.

I was 17. I was a senior in high school. I had top grades and an amazing boyfriend. I got into some of the best colleges in the country. But underneath it all, I didn’t love myself. Sex means knowing yourself first before trying to trust another person, trusting you are mature enough to handle it, and if you are the slightest bit unsure, just wait. I wish I knew myself that night on Christmas Eve. Now I’m 18 and in college, and I have to admit I still don’t know myself. I’m still with the same guy, but after we have sex, I think back to that night and wish I waited.

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