Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Kate Hall, co-editor (with Science of Parenthood's Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler) of The Big Book of Parenting Tweets. Kate also blogs at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine? and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @KateWhineHall on Twitter for more!
There's half a bagel on the counter... I think only one kid licked it. It's yours if you want it.
-how I make breakfast for my husband.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) December 16, 2014
Hey a Slinky! This is cool, how do you do it again? It's tangled. Can we get another one?
The 2 minute lifespan of every kid's Slinky
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 16, 2014
My daughter got up to get a glass of milk and I ended up watching 3 seasons of Curious George
— Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent) December 17, 2014
You never stop playing Mario Kart until someone is crying.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) December 17, 2014
My wife just angrily announced, "I'm going to have lots of yelling to do when I get home!" My kids are terrified. And I just pooped.
— Hazel Goats (@hazelmotes1) December 19, 2014
A recordable Christmas storybook for my kids from my folks. How sweet.
My favorite part is hearing the ice in Grandpa's martini glass.
— Nick Dadamantium (@dadamantium) December 18, 2014
They could probably build a new exhibit at Legoland with the contents of my vacuum bag.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 15, 2014
Props to the moms tailgating before the preschool sing-a-long.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) December 17, 2014
I like Christmas shopping because it gives me a chance to put distinct dollar values on my love for each individual family member.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 17, 2014
If there was a prize you could win for the most threats to cancel Christmas, I would be World Champion.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) December 18, 2014
When one door closes another one opens. Unless it's me closing the bathroom door. Then it's just my kids opening the same door.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) December 16, 2014
Kid sings a Christmas song once: Aw, that's cute.
Five times: OK, you can stop now, honey.
Sixty-five times: MORE EGGNOG.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 17, 2014
"I try not to bring my home life into work"
*hot wheels and animal crackers fall everywhere
— Lauren P (@WorkingMom86) December 17, 2014
*late to pick up kids from school*
*still sits in Starbucks drive-thru 10 cars deep*
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 16, 2014
What’s the difference between giving somebody hand-me-downs and re-gifting?
Merry Christmas little brothers & sisters.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 19, 2014
I asked my son for a Sweetart and he gave me a yellow one so I guess we've officially reached the "I hate my mom" years.
— Manda (@lilgapeach32) December 18, 2014
Criteria for selecting which family photo becomes our Christmas card:
1. Do I look good?
2. ..... yeah, that's all.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) December 16, 2014
After enough shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) December 15, 2014
I wanted some Cheetos and we were totally out of Cheetos and then it hit me: under my toddler's carseat! I'm good now.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 17, 2014
12: Don’t touch my video game. I’m going to bed
18 takes selfie playing 12’s game & sends it
Screaming erupts from 12’s room
— So Done Mom (@Momtoteens) December 18, 2014
Lunchables. For when you're either too young or too drunk to care.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) December 17, 2014
With work, kids' school parties and Christmas shopping, I've only been able to devote about 4 hrs a day to Twitter.
I feel so detached.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 17, 2014
Oh the weather outside isn't nearly as frightful as the shitstorm inside this house.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 16, 2014