Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Melissa Sher, who blogs at Mammalingo and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
I wish my kids spent as much time on their homework as they do calculating the odds of a snow day.
— Jeff Dwoskin (@bigmacher) January 8, 2015
Overheard my husband telling my daughter, "You have to find just the right man." Walked in the room & realized they were building Lego cars.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) January 4, 2015
I asked my kid to practice his spelling words but by the way he's carrying on it's like I'm asking him to give up a kidney w/o anesthetic.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) January 8, 2015
Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is.
— Court (@Discourt) January 5, 2015
The unfiltered honesty of a child is so refreshing.
Unless they're telling you your breath stinks at 3am. Then they're just being assholes.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) January 8, 2015
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it'll be time to start applying to colleges.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 8, 2015
Going in my Kid's room after they've been playing makes me feel like one of the organizers on an episode of Hoarders, only I cry more.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) January 7, 2015
"I don't feel it's a massive change," Blake Lively tells @peoplemag of motherhood. To which all the moms in the world respond: "HA, HAAAAA!"
— Candy Kirby (@candykirby) January 7, 2015
Parenting your kids is most rewarding when they're napping and you are napping too.
— Louie (@fsuflores) January 4, 2015
Having kids means sometimes getting a cough on the lips instead of a kiss.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) January 8, 2015
My toddler handed me something and in a creepy voice told me to drink it.
I'm fearing for my life.
— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 4, 2015
"We only had 5 channels and no remote" is the new "I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid."
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 8, 2015
Fell asleep on the couch at 7:45pm, proving I still got it.
And by "it" I mean parenting-induced narcolepsy.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 9, 2015
I love leftover night. Here you go, kids, we're having the food you didn't eat last night, for dinner.
— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) January 8, 2015
Kid's remote control car just drove across his bedroom floor. Kid is not even home.
Please let this be like Toy Story and not Chucky...
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) January 5, 2015
Sometimes my kids blurt out stuff so random and nonsensical, that I feel like I'm talking to little human fortune cookies. #parenting
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) January 7, 2015
As a parent I have to ask myself tough questions.
"Do I give him too many limits?"
"Is he respectful?"
"Am I using enough hashtags?"
— am. (@notbedelia) January 6, 2015
Listening to my husband snore while I get my kids ready for school sounds a lot like I might be on the next episode of Snapped.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 7, 2015
Dad: Hey kids, guess what, I'm taking you all to Disney *hiccups*
Kids: *cheering and going crazy*
Dad: On Ice
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 8, 2015
RT if your child's holiday break from school felt roughly equivalent in length to the siege of Stalingrad.
— Dana Stevens (@thehighsign) January 5, 2015
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2015