Welcome back to the wonderful world of white wine tears, roses, grammatical incorrectness and two-month journeys toward engagement. That's right, "The Bachelor" has returned -- this time with Chris Soules, the all-American, corn-loving #PrinceFarming at its helm. This season, we'll be recapping the highlights of each episode.
9 Things We Learned From Prince Farming's Journey This Week
1. Jimmy Kimmel loves sex jokes, hates the over-use of "amazing." Jimmy showed up to "plan dates" for Chris Soules and and take over some of Chris Harrison's hosting duties for the week. The best thing to come out his guest appearance was the Amazing Tip Jar. Kimmel instituted a rule that a dollar must be put in the jar every time someone says "amazing." Unsurprisingly, by the end of the episode, the jar was stuffed full.
However, the rest of his gimmicks were mostly based around weird sexual bro humor. Jimmy Kimmel calls the girls "sister wives." Jimmy Kimmel suggests all of the contestants sleep with him. Jimmy Kimmel watches Chris make out with ladies in the hot tub. Jimmy Kimmel suggests a threesome. Basically, every Jimmy Kimmel line seemed like a set up to make empowered women bang their heads against the wall.
2. Real couples shop at Costco. Kaitlyn gets the first Jimmy-planned one-on-one date, which turns out to be a glamorous trip to... Costco. Because apparently, "real" couples buy tons of ketchup, roll around Costco in giant inflatable things pushed by children whose parents somehow signed an ABC waiver, and then have an awkward dinner with uber-famous late-night hosts. "Who the hell needs helicopters when you have Costco?” says Chris.
3. Bros love ladies who let them have sex with other ladies. Jimmy brings up the "fantasy suites" (a.k.a. when the Bachelor can offer his three remaining women a night away from the cameras, which everyone knows means sex) over dinner, asking Kaitlyn whether she'd be jealous if Chris slept with her and two other women. (Spoiler alert: this question is a horrible trap.) Like the bourbon-drinking cool girl she is, Kaitlyn assures him she would not be, which allows Jimmy to make more gross bro comments. “God named him The Bachelor," Jimmy intones. “His divine mission is to have a lot of sex.” Kaitlyn tries to joke back that she's fine with it as long as she gets her "hall pass" after they get married. "No! This is one time and one-sided!” Chris responds. ::Insert side-eye/unimpressed emoji here:: Also, Kaitlyn gets the rose while I shed some tears for gender equality.
4. Love means subjecting yourself to a series of humiliating tasks while men watch. Amber, Ashley S., Jeulia, Samantha, Nikki, Carly, Jillian, Chelsea, Becca, Britt, Mackenzie and Kelsey (and possibly some other women whose names I have completely forgotten) get this week's farm-themed group date. The women must shuck corn, chug unpasteurized goat milk from a mason jar (even if they're lactose intolerant... because Chris is #WorthIt), find eggs in a chicken pen and wrestle a greased pig. Jillian's bum continues to be censored by ABC, and Carly defies her health needs for a blue ribbon and wins the competition. Chris and Jimmy watch the shit show and joke that it's "erotic." Oy.
5. Never question a man's kissing habits. Mackenzie asks Chris why he kissed her and is now kissing every other woman, and things get pretty awkward pretty quickly when bro farmer Chris can't think of a better answer than "because I'm on a reality show and I can." "He probably hates me," Mackenzie tells the other women, in a tragic playing out of modern heterosexual dating dynamics. Becca, who refuses to kiss Chris because it should "mean something," gets the group date rose.
6. Crashing a (hopefully) staged wedding is an acceptable first date. Next time you want to wine and dine a potential mate, just have ABC producers arrange a wedding crashers-type scenario instead! Because, as Whitney would say, "YOLO." (Please, Whitney, never again.)
7. "Incredible" is the new "amazing." Jimmy's tip jar seems to have encouraged the contestants (and Chris) to collectively move away from calling everything "amazing." Instead, they just refer to everything as "incredible."
8. You've gotta fight... for your right... to have make-out time with Chris. Ashley I. learned that lesson the hard way this week. Even her "Kardashian look" couldn't conquer Jillian's desire for a few more minutes with the world's most boring Bachelor in the hot tub.
9. Suicide is not fodder for reality TV entertainment, ABC. Poor Juelia decided that a sexy pool party, which Jimmy announced was in lieu of a cocktail party, was the ideal time to open up to Chris about her heart-wrenching past. She describes her husband's mental illness and the day she discovered he had committed suicide, leaving her and her young child behind. In what may be the worst move by a producer in "Bachelor" history, ABC decided to air the conversation. It was horribly sad stuff -- and felt totally exploitative on the part of the network. I repeat: Suicide is not entertainment.
And The Final Rose Goes To...
SAFE:Whitney, Becca and Kaitlyn already have roses. Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, Mackenzie ::pause for the final rose:: Ashley I.
ELIMINATED: Amber, Tracy and Trina
Next Week, On "The Bachelor"
Two Virgins! Competitions! Bimbos! Jealousy! Hard decisions! No time to waste! The women can go home! Tears!
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