Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Nothing says "we forgot to go to the market" like plain quesadillas for breakfast.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) December 31, 2014
"Doesn't this sound like a cartoon cop car? ::plays kazoo for 15 solid min::" Yes it does, child who clearly time traveled here from the 20s
— Jess Sanfilippo (@shuggilippo) January 16, 2015
JJ: Why did the pig cross the road?
JJ: TO EAT THE PEOPLE!! (falls down laughing at himself)
Preschooler jokes are scary.
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) January 16, 2015
80% of parenting is yelling through a closed bathroom door.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) January 20, 2015
Adulthood involves way less pooping in private than I expected.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 18, 2015
4-year-old: Can I have water in a cup with no lid?
Me: Because you want to drink like a big girl?
4: I need to throw it at someone.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2015
I'm glad I pay $200 a month for cable so my kids can leave the tv on as background noise while on their iPads.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 17, 2015
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 21, 2015
So far as an adult, I haven't really needed to know as much about tall tales as elementary school taught me that I would.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 15, 2015
My youngest son has chosen a favorite food - whatever is on my plate! #parenting
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) January 17, 2015
No son, you did not take a shower last night because I would have remembered the fight we're having RIGHT NOW.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) January 20, 2015
Being a father means that every time you say “that’s what she said,” a little voice asks “did she really?”
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) January 21, 2015
"We don't pee in the shower."
- me to my toddler
Parenting is filled with lies.
— Creed (@novicefather) January 20, 2015
"You bake the best, mommy!"
- 4 when I gave him a hot pocket for dinner
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) January 20, 2015
Tonight we're putting the kids to bed over an hour early. Because it's been a long day and they don't know how to tell time.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) January 18, 2015
3yo: "I don't want a goodnight hug or kiss from Daddy."
Wife: "Be nice."
3yo: "Can I please not have a goodnight hug or kiss from Daddy?"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 20, 2015
Breastfeeding has really allowed me to follow through on my New Year's resolution to watch even more TV than usual.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) January 22, 2015
I just said it's bedtime but by the crying and screaming that is happening I'm afraid my kids thought I said it's the end of ALL time.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) January 21, 2015
Hearing my son say "I'm tired" is like hitting the lottery.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 20, 2015
*5yo son walks up*
*lifts my shirt*
*sticks his finger in my belly button*
*smells his finger*
*licks his finger*
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) January 21, 2015