Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Can someone turn the wind off for my 3yo? He can't eat breakfast if it's windy out which would make sense IF WE WERE EATING OUTSIDE.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 5, 2015
What I say to my son: "Get dressed."
His interpretation: "Stand around naked watching television with one sock on."
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) February 3, 2015
My husband brings much-needed comic relief to our morning routine, like, "Just tell her she can't wear that leotard to school. No battle."
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) February 4, 2015
My 9yo is acting shocked that the pop tart he left near me is missing. It's like he hasn't been paying attention at all this past decade.
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) February 3, 2015
Warning: I just became drunk w/ power & pulled the ultimate dad move: I turned off the internet b/c my son wouldn’t brush his teeth.
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) February 5, 2015
When you're trying to leave your house to get somewhere with little kids, it's a toddler tornado and sanity is the first casualty.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) February 3, 2015
A cute thing I often tell my kids is, "You guys can NOT let mom know I let you do this."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 3, 2015
Most of my time as a mother has been spent in a closet, eating something I didn't want to share.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 3, 2015
Hearing my husband say "I gotta go potty" in public was reason enough to have children
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) February 5, 2015
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm back in NY and ignore all the people that walk by me... in the kitchen. And living room. And bedroom.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) February 6, 2015
What they said: Dad, we wanna help shovel.
What I heard: Dad, we're gonna goof off & need u to help us put our gloves back on every 30 secs.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) February 5, 2015
At Dr's appt:
"Are you stressed?"
"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"
Falls off examining table laughing.
"I HAVE KIDS."
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) February 5, 2015
My 4yo just stood in front of me buck naked and sang Yankee Doodle Dandy complete with choreography.
No DNA test necessary.
— JuneBug (@jenyb4) February 3, 2015
All the Frozen crap in my daughter's room makes me feel like I must be paying the mortgage on Elsa's ice castle.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 4, 2015
"zack, go upstairs and get your iPhone 55." -- my 8 year old imagining his life as a parent.
— Jenni Konner (@campsucks) February 4, 2015
90% of parenting is peeling clementines and lying about what time it is.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) February 4, 2015
Cleaning the bathroom always reminds me that only about 18% of my son's urine actually makes it into the toilet bowl.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) February 5, 2015
The only one who truly understands me is the broken child lock on our pantry.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 5, 2015
"This Is Not A Restaurant."
- A Comprehensive Cook Book For Parents
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 5, 2015
Having dinner w my 4yo = getting red in the face while he refuses to eat
Sharing breakfast w my 4yo = going hungry as he ransacks my plate
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 5, 2015
Of course I talk in my sleep. I have twin 5yos, I answer most of their questions while I'm still asleep.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) February 6, 2015