OWN
02/13/2015 06:32 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Right Way To Fight With Your Partner (VIDEO)

After more than 20 years of marriage, progressive pastor Rob Bell and his wife, Kristen, have learned quite a few lessons about relationships. One of the most important things at the heart of a strong marriage, they say, isn't the absence of fighting; it's knowing how to fight fair.

Because it's easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment and allow anger to derail a discussion, Rob believes that the key to fighting fair is remembering one notion before, during and after a disagreement with your partner.

"They're seeing something that you aren't," Rob says in the above video. "[Ask yourself,] 'What am I not seeing here?'"

By asking yourself this question, you are able to keep things in perspective and prevent self-serving emotions from taking over, which also helps keep hurt feelings at bay. Even better, pose the thought to your partner directly: "Help me see what you're seeing." This approach is vital in acknowledging and validating your partner's perspective.

"When you get married, you get a second set of eyes," Rob explains. "And for many people, the second set of eyes is a cause of constant tension: 'Why don't they see things like I see things?'"

Instead, Rob suggests viewing the second set of eyes as a much more positive asset.

"You now have a broader, more expansive view of the world," he says.

More advice: Rob and Kristen also explain what they view as the secret to a great marriage.

"Super Soul Sunday" with Rob and Kristen Bell airs February 15 at 11 a.m. ET on OWN. You can also join the worldwide simulcast on Oprah.com/supersoulsunday or Facebook.com/supersoulsunday.

Register now for Rob Bell's six-lesson eCourse to find joy and meaning in everyday life.

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