This week was full of all types of Valentine's Day preparations from the flowers ordered to anti-love sentiments tweeted. For everyone who happens to be single this holiday, Twitter user NYC Blonde tweeted an encouraging reminder: "If Britney can survive 2007, you can survive another Valentine's Day alone." Damn straight.
And if you're celebrating the holiday with a significant other, Gennefer Gross had some great advice on how to swoon your other half: "If you want to sweep her off her feet this Valentine's Day, take her to a place with free WiFi and bring a phone charger." But actually.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Eminem's old publicist wakes up in a cold sweat. "I had the dream again," he says to his wife. "That he had Twitter in 1999." "Sssh, baby."
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) February 9, 2015
My compassion is so thin and bitchy right now, it just got offered a modeling contract for Abercrombie & Fitch.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 9, 2015
I'm not saying I'm a domestic goddess, but I did just put clothes in the dryer without spilling my wine.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 10, 2015
anxiety is the best alarm clock
— Lindy West (@thelindywest) February 10, 2015
If you want to sweep her off her feet this Valentine's Day, take her to a place with free WiFi and bring a phone charger.
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) February 7, 2015
Inexplicably, I had a dream about Stephan Hawking. Or Eddie Redmayne. I couldn't tell. EVEN IN MY DREAM.
— Dagmara Dominczyk (@DagDom17) February 11, 2015
When you stuff your socks into other socks it's enforced cannibalism
— caitlin stasey (@caitlinstasey) February 12, 2015
There's a special Hell for ugly criers, and it's full of mirrors.
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) February 12, 2015
Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty
— Varla (@GelasticGoGo) February 7, 2015
If Britney can survive 2007, you can survive another Valentine's Day alone.
— NYC BLONDE (@NYC_Blonde) February 12, 2015
Reading the inside of my Dove chocolate wrappers to feel loved.
Please pity me and send me more chocolates
— NotTHATSheila (@peb671) February 11, 2015
I slipped on ice and discovered I'm a natural at break dancing
— Envy Da Tropic (@envydatropic) February 7, 2015
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 11, 2015
There's a girl in barre class who won't wear socks even though it's mandatory, I am certain she hates vaccinations too
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) February 12, 2015
Deliriously sick & in hotel bed. Watching "19 Kids & Counting" sniffling, "Maybe those Duggars DO have life figured out. That looks nice."
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) February 13, 2015
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
— Rachel Hollis (@msrachelhollis) February 12, 2015
I can’t wait to be angry at my husband tomorrow because I told him I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day and he listened.
— K in VT (@karlainvt) February 13, 2015
Experts anticipate drastic increase in phone malfunction among single males on February 14 with a 90 percent margin for reporting bias.
— Amanda Duberman (@AmandaDuberman) February 11, 2015
10 hour left for me to get a Valentine. I'm now standing on the street singing "Blank Space" at the top of my lungs. This has gotta work.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) February 13, 2015