02/20/2015 01:45 pm ET Updated Feb 20, 2015

MLB Attempts To Make Games Slightly Less Mind-Numbingly Slow


Major League Baseball announced Friday that it will institute a number of new rules in an attempt to make the sport less mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly slow.

The rules, which will be applied in the upcoming 2015 season, include common sense ideas like, you know, batters keeping a foot in the batter’s box while they’re batting (though there are exceptions!) and the two professional baseball teams playing professional baseball in a timely manner when the broadcast comes back from a commercial break. (This is not a joke.)

There were a number of other potential time-saving rules -- like a limit to the number of those boring pitcher-catcher-manager meetings on the mound, or a 20-second clock between pitches -- that actually sounded pretty cool. But the MLB decided that was quite enough for now, thank you very much.

The new rules come after the creation of a league-appointed Pace of Game Committee (actual name), which was established last year because even the damn commissioner of the league is like, “God, is this game over yet!? It’s like, 1 a.m.!”

The real reason the MLB felt it necessary to impose these rules is because baseball knows it needs to speed up in order to convince any of our Snapchatting children to pay attention for one goddamned second. But can you blame them? Some statistics: