Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Kim Bongiorno, who blogs at Let Me Start By Saying and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @LetMeStart on Twitter for more!
No, you can't have candy for breakfast. Don't be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) February 26, 2015
The scariest thing I've heard my toddler say: "I poured my own syrup!"
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) February 24, 2015
Oh yeah? Well could an idiot do this?
*figures out Blue's Clues*
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 24, 2015
With the ferocity that my 6 y/o daughter knocked on the bathroom door there was either a murderer in the house or a cat did something cute
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) February 24, 2015
Joke's on my kids who are playing house, there's nothing fun about any of this.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 24, 2015
"Hey, that was fun! Let's keep doing it until it's not." - kids.
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) February 20, 2015
I'm so fashionable that I can wear the same clothes three days in a row.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) February 26, 2015
My little boy's room has an animal theme, while my older son went with "auction at the unclaimed storage locker."
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) February 25, 2015
Me: Have I told you lately that I love you?
7yo: YES. STOP ASKING.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) February 25, 2015
3yo: I keep telling the dog to sit but he won't listen.
Me: Huh. Annoying right?
3yo: How do I fix it?
Me: If you figure it out let me know.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 25, 2015
20-30% of a father's body fat is a product of eating children's un-eaten bread crust.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 23, 2015
The Day the Naps Stopped
- A Horror Story
— Mrs.Throbinson (@mellimelle) February 24, 2015
Things you can say to your dog but not your kid: "Pee on the floor again and you're gonna have to find a new mommy to love you."
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) February 21, 2015
I tell my children I love them, a thousand times a day, which is not quite as much as I yell, "Don't put that in your mouth!"
— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) February 25, 2015
The difference between my 2 year old and a tornado in my living room is that a tornado doesn't pee on my floor.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) February 26, 2015
"But I just sat down"
- me about to find out how long it's been since my wife sat down
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 25, 2015
Kids will be home soon and will want to know what is for dinner.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) February 25, 2015
When I make a healthy dinner, I do it so you will live a LONG life. When you don't eat it, I want to kill you. Love is complicated.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) February 23, 2015
Your dinner tonight
is being served à la carte.
"Carte" meaning the fridge.
— Peyton Price (@Suburbanhaiku) February 24, 2015
If your plan for quieting a baby consists of a mocking bird, a diamond ring and a billy goat, you probably shouldn't be a parent.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 23, 2015