Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I know you two have only had 157 school days so far to get used to it, but, yes, we need to leave for school at the exact same time again.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 15, 2015
Wyatt: Make fart noises! Me: Let's just finish breakfast and see where the day takes us.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) May 11, 2015
The thing I like about having teens is the part where they act like they're adults & then ask for lunch money.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 13, 2015
Hard to keep up the 'Daddy knows everything' pretence when you score 3 out of 5 on the 4yo's homework.
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) May 14, 2015
I let my 7 year old make his lunch for the first time so it looks like he'll be enjoying some frozen chicken nuggets & an ice cream sandwich
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 15, 2015
[3yo screams in my ear] 3yo: Did that scare you? Me: No.
[3yo jumps on my head]
3yo: Did that scare you?
Ok. I'm scared.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 13, 2015
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 11, 2015
We've entered the "kleptomania phase" of my 1.5-year-old's lifespan.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) May 14, 2015
3yo is done with preschool for the summer. 7yo has one more week. I just came here to say farewell. To my sanity.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) May 14, 2015
I'm stuck on the level of dad mode where I stand in front of all the grill brushes at Home Depot reading their Amazon reviews on my phone.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 15, 2015
"Don't worry, I'll just do it."
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) May 10, 2015
"Oooooooh Mom! You said a bad word! A BAD word! You're not supposed to say bad words!!"
Yes, folks. I admit it. I said "crap".
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 13, 2015
My kids, in a last-minute desperate attempt, tried to convince me that the dentist was located in Toys R Us.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 11, 2015
I tend to ignore my problems until they go away. But this time they won't disappear or stop calling me Mommy.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 12, 2015
4-year-old daughter: A kid asked me to be his girlfriend.
Me: What did you say?
4-year-old: No. I'm too busy drawing horses.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2015
Me: Your daddy and I decided you're now old enough to watch "Pitch Perfect."
Daughter: I saw that like two years ago at a friend's house.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) May 13, 2015
Being a parent of twin 5yos means finding a lot of dead bugs in the washer after I do their laundry.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) May 12, 2015
but can recite every iPhone passcode you've ever had.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) May 13, 2015
95% of parenting is just writing tweets in this joke format.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 12, 2015
..but I'm hungry
-a bedtime story
— Tenley Brooks (@ProudFFAalumni) May 11, 2015