We just might finally know why Bigfoot is always hiding: He's embarrassed.
You figure an ape-man with famously big feet would be well endowed in other areas. But we sit down with Bigfoot-hunting primatologist Natalia Reagan on the HuffPost Weird News Podcast, and she has a theory why Bigfoot might be a big disappointment with the ladies.
"If you want to know about Bigfoot's wang, you really should understand the wangs of other primates that you think Bigfoot is like," said Reagan, who is also an anthropologist. "If you think Bigfoot is a large-bodied primate, like a gorilla or an orangutan -- and a lot of Squatchers think Bigfoot is a descendant of gigantopithecus (or giganto-dick-ecus, if you want) -- gorillas and orangutans actually have a quite small manhood."
Pound for pound, humans have bigger penises than other primates. Some believe that's because humans walk on two legs, and at some point in the evolutionary adventure, genital size became an attractive quality in a mate.
Gorillas, chimpanzees and orangutans tend to walk more on four legs, so they're not really advertising the size of their sex organs.
Plus, if Bigfoot does exist, Reagan says, "It would have a small dick and a penis bone, called the baculum. Humans do not have this literal boner, whereas a lot of primates have these bones in their dicks."
Of course, just because some people believe in Bigfoot, that doesn't mean he/she/it exists. We can only guess what this legendary beast is really like. However, evolutionary science might help us form some educated opinions.
As a scientist who tries to teach through entertainment, that's what Reagan is really after -- to get people thinking.
"Many Squatchers say that Bigfoot has two modes of locomotion: quadrupeds and bipeds. I always say to them, 'Make a choice, because if you've ever seen a quadruped try to walk on two legs, like a chimp upright walking, they can do it but they're slow, they move funny, it's not a preferred gait; whereas, you try to get on all fours, as a human, you can do it, but it's gonna be uncomfortable -- you can't maintain that gait."
So, if there's a bottom line here, Bigfoot's penis size would depend on if he's more humanlike or apelike.
Not surprisingly, any discussion about human penis size can easily turn to testicles.
"What should be noted is that we have minuscule balls, as well," Reagan said. "Chimpanzees have a lot of male-male competition and a need for sperm competition -- they have huge cajones. Chimps have a fision-fusion social structure, and there's a lot of promiscuity, and the males fight for access to the females. There's an idea of kamikaze sperm, where some sperm will actually outswim and fight other sperm to get to the eggs."
Listen to the podcast for the lowdown on beastly sex and more about our new hero, Natalia Reagan.
Bigfoot is a legend, and so is our monstrously talented producer Katelyn Bogucki and our editor Jorge Corona.
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