02/06/2014 12:23 pm ET Updated Apr 08, 2014

Happy Anniversary, LA. I'm Still Kind of Confused

This week marks two years in Los Angeles. I made this move with zero knowledge of Los Angeles, of California, or really anything on the west coast. I am totally in love with LA, but, let's be real. There are a few things that will never make sense to me about this city:

From 5-8:20 a.m., there are less than 5 people in any Starbucks in the city. From 8:21 a.m. - 7 .p.m, every one of these Starbucks is packed. People bring in entire computers, everything they need to paint (including an easel, for real), and have 10-person meetings as though it's nothing.

Every person, in some capacity is "in the industry" or so they claim. (This could absolutely be true, being that I have no idea what this actually means).

You can do any kind of workout that you want, except a normal workout. Spinning? Sure, but you're also going to lift weights for a few minutes in the middle of the class. Yoga? Totally, let's just do it outside where there is live music playing. A barre class? Of course, just decide if you want cardio barre, barre 3, figure 4, physique 57, the barre method or pure barre.

Celebrities are everywhere. The grocery store, the gym, Starbucks... everywhere. But you're supposed to act like it's no big deal. HELLO! I don't think I slept for like ten days after taking a class with Lady Gaga.

Los Angeles is really a million different cities (or 88), and all of them are vastly different. For example:

  • Santa Monica: Tourists and the nicest people in all of LA
  • Venice: Everyone is high
  • West Hollywood: The most beautiful gay men you will ever see
  • Silver Lake: Hipsters everywhere
  • Los Feliz: So many hot Europeans. Like Robert Pattinson.
  • Beverly Hills: Botox and fake boobs
  • Studio City: "The Valley" which apparently isn't a cool place, even though it sounds like it would be
  • Calabasas: Kardashians and Biebers
  • Brentwood: Stay-at-home moms. And Reese Witherspoon.
  • Malibu: Heaven

People spend a lot of time at hotels, without ever checking in. They go to have meals, for happy hour, for parties, to lay by the pool or to use the salon and spa.

The only time it's acceptable to be in public not dressed up is if you're going to or coming from a work out. And even then, what you're wearing is Lululemon or branded by an expensive gym. I went to the grocery store in leggings and a sweatshirt and was told "you're not in Kentucky anymore."

Highways are referenced as "The (insert number)." Directions are actually given as: "Take the 405 to the 5 to the 10 to the 101, and get off at the canyon."

If you live on the east side, you hate the west side. If you live on the west side, you hate the east side. (This is how I am reminded that I am not from LA. I will travel anywhere if there is something there I want to do. A spin class in Santa Monica? Sure! I don't care if it takes 30 minutes to get there. Drinks in Malibu? Let's do it! See you there in an hour, I hope).

If it's "cold" (see: below 60 degrees) people cannot handle it. They'll cancel plans, turn on the heat, and refuse to go outside for anything. The best part of cold fronts? The news casts, as noted by Jimmy Kimmel.