Humble Suggestions for Reid and Pelosi

11/09/2006 11:07 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I'm out of practice dealing with good political news. It's been a bit of an overload these past two days. It's kind of like getting a letter from my doctor informing me that I can now suddenly windmill dunk a basketball. I almost hesitate to bring up the House and Senate victories to people for threat they might inform me I feel asleep near some model glue with CNN on and the whole thing's a Testor's-induced hallucination. We.... won the House.... and the Senate? And Rumsfeld resigned?! And Bush said he's meeting with Democrats?!!! It's so wonderful I'm a tad suspicious.

Okay, here's what I think Bush and Rove cooked up. I think they figured that we were all in shock from winning the House and, at the time, likely the Senate, and they thought "Hey, this pony ain't used to the sugar. Let's put him into toxic shock." And so they had Rumsfeld resign. It was an attempt to overload us with goodness so we'd all faint from joy and injure ourselves. I'm telling you... And they had no idea how close they were. I almost wrecked my car driving west on the 10 from whooping when I heard Bush announce Rumsfeld's resignation. If Bush had then gone right to Cheney announcing that he was coming out of the closet my head would have exploded and Bush would have won. Brilliant I tell you.

Well, whichever way we look at it, these are half decent days. The Velvet Revolution of electoral politics has occurred Diebold-free and there is hope again. So with that in mind here is my personal agenda for the new Democratic Congress when Pelosi and Reid take over. I know that fundamental work must be done to right our course in Iraq, eliminate the massive deficit, and investigate widespread corruption but these are some items that I think merit some attention as well.

1. Get a real media.

Can we please bring back the regulations that Reagan started dismantling back in 1980? These news people fight for ratings like hungry dogs tearing at a sack of day old burgers to please the same four massive corporations and it leaves very little room for tiny stories like "Does Saddam truly have WMDs?" or "Is a signing statement an end run around the Constitution?" How about we eliminate all advertisements on the evening news and make it a prestige endeavor? After all, the networks are supposed to be serving the public good. And hey, local news, we get it. There are unseen germs in Hotel rooms and Predators that want to take our children.

2. Make it a law that Rick Santorum must run every time just so we can feel the joy of beating him.

I'm not saying he should always have a chance to be in Congress, but can't we just always have his name on the ballot so it always shows him losing? Sort of like Alan Keyes in the early nineties. Because what was better than Santorum getting stomped? He put the meat in meathead. If Santorum's looking for work there must be talk of Animal House, the Musical and he would be the greatest Neidermeyer ever.

3. Make it a law that no politician is allowed to dress up like a cowboy.

I'm not kidding. I find it disturbing that our President, who can't even ride a horse, goes around dressed up like a cowboy. How is this different from Bill Frist holding a press conference dressed as a pirate? I get the feeling that three hundred years from now there will be an I Claudius or Rome type mini-series and the Bush character will wear a cowboy costume as a sign of his decadence.

4. Bring back the assault weapons ban.

Remember this? We were so knee deep in the corruption and lies of this administration and Congress that when they let this lapse without a whimper we didn't even blink. And it was during their big "make America safer" run. Let's just bring it back.

5. Let's give Richard Clarke a really, really important job.

This guy never wavered and he was proven right at every turn. He's a solid public servant who was abused by a bunch of corrupt hacks. I'd trust him at the highest levels. And while we're at it, how about apologies to people like Michael Moore, Janeane Garofalo, Bill Maher, John Kerry and a dozen others who were chewed up by the disgusting Rove right wing Limbaugh media machine? What do they all have in common? They were all right. Right about the war being a mistake (except Kerry). Right about Bush being bad for this country. And right about going out on a limb for this country. Go watch Fahrenheit 911 again. He nailed everything. And the right wing machine portrayed him as a radical for it. Turns out Bush was the radical.

6. And finally, be so nice to Joe Lieberman that it hurts.

Give him chocolates every day on his desk and call him Joseph and always call on him first.