08/03/2012 04:20 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

10 Reasons I'm Jealous Of The Birthday Boy

Charlie turns 1-year-old today. I can't help but feel a little jealous of his lifestyle. It seemed like a list was in order.

Top 10 Reasons I'm jealous of my son on his 1st birthday:

1. When he plays with his balls in public, it's funny.

2. When people see his pudgy stomach at the pool, they say "Cute!" When they see mine? They don't. I'm the guy in the pool swimming in his t-shirt.

3. He can cry whenever he wants. I have to wait until "Secret Millionaire" is on and then pretend I have a cold when my wife starts to ask questions.

4. He doesn't have to pay a mortgage on his "crib."

5. He has more money in his savings account than I do.

6. He's seen more movies in the theater than me this year.

7. He gets to hang out in the changing room at Victoria's Secret.

8. He's allowed to scream and throw a fit if he doesn't want to watch "Tabatha's Salon Takeover." I am not.

9. His "birthday suit" doesn't look 36 years old.

10. He fondles, grabs and squeezes boobs. ALL THE TIME. Then puts them in his mouth.

Charlie, you've got it REAL good. I'm not pissed or hatin' on ya, but you need to recognize, son!

We've had such a great time with the good...
first birthday good

The bad...
first birthday bad boy

And everything in between...
first birthday everything in between

Your Mom, Ava and I (and the dog) love you more than anything in this world. You're a special little dude that gives us never-ending joy and happiness.


EDITOR'S NOTE TO CHARLIE: You can sue me later for putting you all over the Internet!

This post originally appeared on "Dad Or Alive"