08/22/2014 06:18 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

True Story: The Rooster Who Went to Vegas for Halloween


School started, so happy Halloween.

Since Christmas gets to start the day after Halloween, Halloween for me now starts the day after school starts. Consider this global holiday warming; they keep arriving earlier and more aggressively every year.

So, boo.

The best costumes don't always win trophies. In fact, sometimes they're not even condoned, as is the case with the rooster who went to Vegas for Halloween.

I grew up on a farm, and among our various critters and mammals was a particularly horrible rooster by the name of MS DOS. Maybe he was angry about being named after Microsoft's then-cutting edge "disk operating system." Maybe that justifies why he constantly chased the children of my mom's at-home daycare, jumping on their backs and pecking their heads. Or maybe MS DOS was just a rotten egg.

But one October, when my dad's feisty coworker Mark asked if he could borrow the rooster for his Halloween costume, my dad was more than relieved to turn the bird over; that meant he wouldn't have to pry the demon-rooster off the faces of innocent trick-or-treaters this year. Mark promised to treat the bird kindly, and we figured he was probably going to place MS DOS in a cage by his front door and dress up like a rancher or something like that.

Life lesson No. 1: Before you lend out your livestock, ask more questions.

I remember the scene clearly. We were sitting on the front porch when down the long, dusty, never-been-plowed-or-graded dirt road we saw two out-of-place headlights. They were connected to a long white car with at least 10 windows: a limousine.

Mark stepped out, wearing a long black fur coat and clutching a champagne glass in one hand.

"Come on, rooster!" he sang, before MS DOS's knife-like beak stabbed holes through most of Mark's face and hands. "We're going to Vegas."

My parents never did tell me the details about our rooster's adventure, beyond a few bits and pieces: Mark tried to hide the rooster under his coat as they entered various clubs, with the intention of letting his gobbly head peak out and scare people. But MS DOS had other plans, all of which involved trying to take out the human race. Mark was kicked out of every club in Vegas. After the police intercepted his last effort, Mark and MS DOS left, their tail feathers between their legs.

Obviously, MS DOS was never harmed. I can't say the same for his date.

And lest you think a little vacation is good to cheer up anybody (or anybird), the small peck-scar between my eyes is proof of the contrary. Maybe the flashing lights on The Strip skewed his aim of my eyeballs. In which case, I guess I should be thankful for Mark's most creative -- and scary -- Halloween costume ever.

I do not condone misusing innocent (or even guilty and demonic) animals for any occasion. However, the adventures of MS DOS are a reminder to think outside the box (or coop) when you're pulling together a costume for this year's back-to-school Halloween parties.

And don't try to sneak a rooster into a nightclub.

Now you know.

Read more articles from the strangest city in America, Boulder, Colorado, here: Only In Boulder.

Photo by Flickr user Christopher Craig.