I keep reading all of these statistics about how the failure rate for second marriages is higher then the first. Since my first marriage failed miserably, these stats make me nervous about the future. I don't know if I'm just an optimist or if being in love again has made me loopy, but I see this second shot has a higher chance of working than my first.
Looking back at my past relationship I can see so many red flags. We dated for five years before getting married even though he asked me to marry him after 10 months of dating. I kept putting it off and always had an excuse. I didn't want to be married until I was done with graduate school; I didn't want to be married while we were living in California, and on and on until I ran out of excuses. I realize now that on some deeper level, I just didn't want to marry him. I kept silencing that little voice in my head that was whispering for me to get out. I told myself that things would be better once we were married, all those disagreements about money and family would disappear once we became united and became a family. Without going into detail because it's his story not mine, my ex had an extremely difficult childhood and is distrustful of most people because he's used to adults letting him down. In my naivety, I truly believed that if I created a warm and loving environment that I could heal him from all of his past hurts. I know now that it doesn't work that way. All of the issues we had before marriage became exasperated after the wedding. He started reverting into this rebellious teenager and I was the scolding parent. If I asked him where he had been all day, he would scowl and tell me that it was none of my business.
The disintegration of the marriage is not his entire fault; it takes two people for a marriage to fall apart. I went into this marriage with unrealistic expectations and instead of communicating my feelings to him I would just wait until he was at work and cry. There was a lot of silence in our house near the end of our marriage because both of us needed work in the communication department. And finally one day, I just left. But I 100% know that I made the right decision. It wasn't until I had some distance, was I able to gain perspective about what I did right and what I did wrong in my past relationship.
And after two years of healing and deep reflection, I have met someone. I have realized how important it is to have the same core values about money, family, work, and communication right from the start. He's actually teaching me how to be a better communicator because I'm so used to being with someone who didn't talk about his feelings. He's very open about his thoughts and feelings and wants me to be just has open.
We've had all of the difficult conversations about money, budgeting, and spending behavior. I know now how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to finances or it can create a major wedge in your relationship. With all of this knowledge that I've gained from being in a 10 year dysfunctional relationship, I wonder how can this second chance at love could fail? If we take time to break the cycle of dysfunction wouldn't all of our relationships get better has we age? What are your thoughts? Because me being the eternal optimist really believes that I've met the person I'm supposed to spend my life with.