04/22/2015 04:57 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Friends, Where Art Thou? (A Pregnancy Poem)

I wrote this poem when I was pregnant with our first child. It was the strangest thing, because while I was so happy experiencing pregnancy for the first time, I also had a weird feeling of loneliness on a social level. I love my girlfriends -- they are all fantastic -- but when you're pregnant and not many of your other friends are, you might feel... left out. It's nobody's fault. (And honestly, let's face it: You can't hang anyway, and you're too tired to be a social butterfly.)

It was the first time I was stuck in a place where I wanted to do so much, but in reality, my body just needed to rest and nest. So, if you're also pregnant for the first time, maybe you can maybe relate. Without further ado...

Friends, Where Art Thou? (A Pregnancy Poem)

I've discovered I'm pregnant, 10 little fingers, 10 toes!

Excitement and showers, as everyone knows;

I'm reading the books, radiating the 'glow',

But one question lingers: Where the fuck did my friends go?

They're so excited for me, they cannot wait to meet him!

Many have stated, they may just try to eat him;

But I've noticed lately, my social calendar's dead,

Did they forget about me? Is it all in my head?

I used to have plans! I used to have fun!

Did this simply cease, due to my oven and bun?

Pregnant women get tired, sure sometimes we're slow,

But guys, that's not me! Where the f*ck did you go?!

Was it the air biscuit that slipped out, without my knowledge?

Girl, please, you've seen worse! We made it through college!

Or maybe it's my cankles, you can't bear to see?

Perhaps you can't take it, that all day I must pee?

So what if I burp? Who cares if I waddle?

When you go to drunk-dial, I'll tackle and swaddle!

And when you must pee, to the front of the line we'll go!

Yet my phone is still quiet -- say it ain't fucking so!

Come on ladies, I'm fun! I'm still the old me!

Your designated driver, forget the cab fee!

Of course I'll come out! Saturday night?! I'll be there!

Pick you up around 10, what on earth will I wear?

You're running behind? No problem! I'm chill,

Take a moment to put up my feet, I sure will,

Just resting my eyes, as I wait patiently,

There's your text! I'm coming! I just... have to... ZzzzZzzzz


A version of this post originally appeared on Alessandra Macaluso's blog, PunkWife. If you are getting married or know a bride-to-be, check out her book: "The Bitch's Bridal Bible: The Must-Have, Real- Deal Guide for Brides," available on Amazon and Kindle. You can also find Alessandra on Facebook and Twitter.
Alessandra is currently working on a cookbook filled with healthy, fresh and easy recipes for babies that the whole family can enjoy (because really, who wants to cook twice?). If you'd like to get on that mailing list, you can do so here: What a Good Eater.