04/17/2012 06:54 pm ET Updated Jun 17, 2012

Lessons Learned at Coachella

Weekend one is over. Here's what I learned:

Bra companies no longer sell to women under 30.

Facebook is to teenagers what AOL is to us.

If the festival was held in Oakland, it would be called Hellachella.

Women that expect men to let them cut the port-a-potty line are bladderist.

Guys that ogle every girl that walks by are Gremlins. Add alcohol and they multiply.

"Without even meeting you I can tell that you have great boobs" is still an untested pick-up line.

Coachella is a lot like Burning Man only if you've never been to Burning Man.

The ecstasy diet, while viable, is unsustainable.

The difference between stupid and lame is a 20-year-old covered in tattoos and a 50-year-old covered in tattoos.

If creatine was worth as much as gold, Indio would be Fort Knox.

After 40 you should actually stop listening to your inner voice(s).

DeVry, University of Phoenix, American College -- The I-10 is the Ivy League of online educations.

PSA's that don't work on kids: marijuana, cocaine, premarital sex, alcohol, texting while driving, cigarettes.

PSA's that do work on kids: sunscreen.

A cell phone tower disguised as a fir tree looks as natural in the desert as a cell phone tower not disguised as a fir tree.

"Molly" is the best marketing in this history of drugs. "It's like ecstasy except it's like totally pure."

David Guetta is the Pied Piper of white, male, suburban teens on steroids.

A Tupac zombie movie is in our near future.

A VIP wristband is essential if you want to hang out with VIP assholes instead of general admission assholes.

Wherever there is live music and alcohol, there will be teenage girls crying on cell phones.