03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Obama Is Destroying Our Global Image

Dear Far Right,

On behalf of President Obama I would like to apologize for his recent string of embarrassing incidents on the international stage and their devastating impact on America's global image. Bowing to foreign leaders? Shaking hands with terrorists? Talking to enemies? These conciliatory actions are nothing less than a mockery of American values and perhaps even borderline treason.

Whether you agree or disagree with his predecessor, President Bush, it is safe to say that the aforementioned kowtowing never occurred during his reign. For the eight years Bush and the conservative movement were in power, America was a beacon of might and right for the rest of the civilized world. They respected us. They admired us. They feared us.

Can you imagine how much more positively foreigners would view us today if conservatives were in charge? Just imagine if McCain and Palin were in the White House. There would be no more pansy-ass negotiations. We'd simply kick ass and take names. We might even lock those names up. Or if we didn't like those names because they sounded too Araby or something, we'd give them new names. Or at least pronunciations. Why? Because compromise is for losers, that's why.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Your shame is my shame, Far Right. We're all in this together. What the rest of the world has and always will respect is strength. And belief in God. And not just any God, but the correct God. The all-powerful right wing, evangelical God that saw fit to make the world in seven days and was also kind enough to let us humans hang with the dinosaurs. "T-Rex, make hustle with thee, Joseph needs a lift to Egypt." Do not laugheth! He did this and it was good!

Tea-partiers, global warming conspiracy theorists, homophobes, birthers, and dudes who hate Mexicans, just because your voices have been temporarily stifled on the world stage does not mean you are wrong. Quite the contrary, my friends, it means you are white! Er, right.

In any event, please accept my heartfelt apologies for President Obama's transgressions. Born under an Arab moon, he is not a true citizen of this country and is unfamiliar with our powerful ways. Have mercy on him as the Koran commands he have on you.

Embarrassed Liberal Elite