06/17/2013 12:42 pm ET Updated Aug 17, 2013

A Recent Grad's Guide to Finding Employment

It's that time of year again. School is out, the seniors are graduating, and students are welcoming summer vacation with open arms. What bleak future is in store for them, God only knows.

Our dear seniors are either stepping with gusto right into a full-time position at the job of their dreams, or are meekly approaching the world of unemployment with excited anticipation. To them, unemployment still represents a world of opportunities -- the sky is the limit; the world is their oyster; their choices seem limitless. It has not yet dawned upon them what terror is set to befall them come September, once the freedom that was unemployment becomes a hopeless misery.

To this fearless group I say, fear not. For I have secrets that will save your unemployment problems, now and forever. Forget everything you ever knew about finding a job. I'm about to smother your brain with some pure, uncut knowledge.

The first step toward a life of wild success is to give your resume a makeover, because if you want to stumble upon your dream job, you're going to need to get your work experience tattooed on your face. This way, you will never have to worry about losing it, and everyone you meet turns into a prospective employer. The next step is to take a stroll through a crowded city, and hope to impress a successful CEO with your experience and initiative. Everybody loves a go-getter.

Now remember what you learned about networking? If you do, then you completely ignored my order to forget everything you ever knew. Please go back and do that first. I'll wait.

Everyone goes about networking the wrong way. They go to their fancy networking events in their pretentious suits, and "make it rain" with business cards. The fact is, these potential employers are so busy trying to entertain the flock of candidates so eager to brown their noses, that chances are slim they will remember your unique little self. Instead of finding a job, you're far more likely to waste a whole lot of time destroying the Amazon with your business cards and trying to remember how to tie a tie.

The secret is to focus on the people who your competitors are likely to neglect -- children, senior citizens, or the cashier at McDonald's, for example. These are untapped resources; little chunks of coal, waiting -- nay, conspiring! -- to become diamonds. And you are in on their little conspiracy. The great thing about this demographic is that they are often slow or stationary, so their chances of escape upon your approach are very low. So next time you're at the playground (for whatever reason), slip some kids your business card. It's always great to be "hip" with the "youth," and it never hurts to get a head start. You may just be investing in the future Steve Jobs!

Or the next time you happen to be loitering in the hospital, drop your contact information on the lap of a passerby in his wheelchair. If he's old enough, his extended family may cover a significant percentage of your neighborhood's population. And what decent nephew rejects his great-uncle's dying wish to make you a partner at his fabulously wealthy firm?

Though this form of networking is obviously the most effective way to find a career, it never hurts to spread our seeds elsewhere -- namely, the Internet. Elitists will tell you that applying for jobs on the Internet is a complete waste of time, but ignore them. They're elitists. The secret to success is to apply to every job you can possibly find on job hunt search engines. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while to get a reply. Studies have shown that after submitting your resume to 10,000 openings, you have a 40 percent chance of landing a job within 20 years. Don't be afraid to flaunt those statistics when you are confronted by the naysayers.

If you have employed these little known techniques, and are still not employed yourself, do not worry. You have just become a job creator, having employed these techniques. Given the state of today's economy, these techniques would like to thank you. They've been out of a job for a while now.