11/27/2013 09:36 pm ET Updated Jan 27, 2014

Why I'm Spending My Thanksgiving Camped Outside Walmart

Happy Turkey Day! I'm writing this from inside a tent in the parking lot at a Walmart Supercenter.* I have a slip of paper confirming me as the 235th in line, and I am confident that there is a $100 40-inch plasma in there with my name on it, though no such thing has been advertised.

As you all spend your Thanksgiving with your families and loved ones, I am being victimized by greed, the greed of those people who insist on denying me my TV and instead choose to stay at home and eat rather than scan my giant box and swipe my card.

I've heard a lot of whining about how Walmart employees have it rough, how the Walton family rakes in millions or possibly billions while their employees have to resort to handouts to make ends meet. All this bleeding-heart nonsense works out rather neatly for all the greedy Walmart employees and their fat-cat compatriots in the DVD section of Best Buy, but not for me. I'd like to bring to your attention the fact that this store is closed til 8 p.m.

While Walmart associates get to spend their partial Thanksgiving with their families and enjoying their free, donated food and lack of insurance, I'm made to wait and miss my Thanksgiving, camping out in front of--

Camera crew! One sec. BRB.

Ha! That was great! I got on TV! They just asked me, "Why are you doing this?" and I told them! Ha, ha, ha! I'm going to tell my wife and kids to watch.** I can't wait for people to see the footage! It'll be almost as good as those YouTube videos where people tear down the doors to get in.

Man, those people really wanted something. Like me! I want something! I'm not sure exactly what, but I've got this need to fill a void, and if my suspicions are correct, that need will be filled by camping out in a parking lot and then possibly trampling someone, or using pepper spray and/or shooting someone. Then and only then will I reach that item of value that will fill the void and make all of this worth it. I need it. My family needs it. Otherwise, why am I working myself to the bone and having a tough time making ends meet, if not for the yearly opportunity to get some sort of luxury good or electronics or anything at a price that I can finally afford?

I'm getting it. I'm doing this.

*I'm not really in a tent. I'm spending my Thanksgiving with friends and family.

**I have neither children nor a wife.