THE BLOG
06/23/2015 02:39 pm ET Updated Jun 23, 2016

Yes You Can Be Black. And It Won't Cost You Much at All.

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You've always wanted to be black. Well now you can be with the Blackness Card™.

Many white Americans wish to be black, and we at the Onyx Corporation are here to fulfill that need. The Onyx Corporation is proud to introduce the Blackness Card. The Blackness Card will grant any white person honorary black status and a certified black experience™ anywhere within the United States. The Blackness Card is not only accepted at all businesses and government offices, it is also accepted in all interpersonal interactions. Be sure to take the Blackness Card with you wherever you go for a certified black experience.

How It Works
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How We Help You Obtain the Certified Black Economic Experience

The application fee for the Blackness Card is $130,900. This amount is the difference in the median wealth for black and white households. Enslaved blacks were able to produce wealth--but not keep any of it. Since slavery, various forms of discrimination and exploitation have hampered black wealth accumulation. For example, whites have been better able than blacks to build and pass on wealth as a result of the 1944 GI Bill, redlining, and other forms of discrimination around homeownership. This means that the odds are your net worth is way too high for you to have a certified black experience. Our application fee removes this obstacle.

The annual fee for the Blackness Card is $11,556 which is the difference between the median personal income for white and black full-time, year-round workers. For reasons similar to that behind the application fee, chances are your income is too high for you to have a certified black experience. The annual fee rectifies this problem.

As a result of obtaining the Blackness Card you will automatically be entered into the Unemployment Lottery. As a formerly-white person, it is likely that you have been deprived the experience of being unemployed because of your race. Regardless of educational attainment blacks are about twice as likely as whites to seek work but be unable to find it. A select number of lucky formerly-white people who win the Unemployment Lottery will gain the opportunity to be jobless.

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How We Help You Obtain the Certified Black Criminal Justice Experience

Whenever you see a police officer, present your Blackness Card to receive your full benefits. If you fail to do this you may be missing out on a "stop and frisk" or an incident of police brutality. We cannot guarantee you a certified black experience if you fail to use your card.

You should be aware that being guilty of a crime is not necessary for you to receive a certified black criminal justice experience. You should also be aware that unarmed blacks are twice as likely as unarmed whites to be killed by the police. Please place your initials at the end of this paragraph to indicate that you know that a certified black experience with the police can result in your premature death.

Chances are, as a formerly-white person, you have been arrested too infrequently. If you have ever used marijuana, upon acceptance of your application for the Blackness Card, you will be entered into the Arrest Me Lottery. Although blacks and whites use marijuana at similar rates, blacks are almost four times as likely as whites to be arrested for marijuana possession. The select few who win the Arrest Me Lottery will get to spend quality time in jail.

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Once you are approved for the Blackness Card, we will have to kill you . . . eventually. Since the black life expectancy is shorter than the white life expectancy, we will kill you to prevent you from living too long. For example, a white person who was born in 1970 is expected to live 7.6 years longer than a black person born that year. For formerly-white people born in 1970, we will kill them 7.6 years before our scientists predict they will die to ensure that they have the certified black experience. Please initial at the end of this paragraph to indicate that you are aware that the Blackness Card will shorten your life.

Thank you for applying for the Blackness Card. We are committed to ensuring that all qualified applicants receive all of the benefits of the certified black experience.

Nathaniel Blackmon III, CEO
Onyx Corporation