09/11/2012 01:56 pm ET Updated Nov 11, 2012

A Terrifying Look at Gay Marriage Equality

If the Defense of Marriage Act came crashing down, opening the floodgates of same-sex marriage and legalizing it federally, our great nation would face some frightening prospects.

For one, gays would come slithering out of the polished oak woodwork of their ranch homes in Seattle and the finished bamboo cabinetry of their lofts in Chelsea and head immediately for David's Bridal, causing ungodly lines longer than any bridezilla could fathomably handle. Filene's Basement's annual Running of the Brides event would get so overrun with the 10 percent of the population that had been previously excluded that there might even be a stampede. Worse yet, the queers might get all the best deals before the straights can grab them. Everyone knows lesbians are better athletes.

If same-sex devotees could legally get hitched nationwide, lesbians would forcefully kick off their Crocs and Birkenstocks -- potentially endangering foreheads in range of the flying footwear -- to embrace the white, satin-draped stilettos that they deliberately dyed to match their wedding gowns. Shoemakers wouldn't get to sit around all day twiddling their thumbs anymore. Crocs would have to eliminate its line of olive-colored winterized "shoes," and its profit margins would be sliced by 3.46576 percent.

The United States Postal Service would be overwhelmed with the increased number of save-the-dates, wedding invitations, and RSVPs clogging its normally highly efficient mail delivery system. Postal workers from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Ore., will experience lumbar distress from the added loads. Grandmas would have to wait a whole day extra to get their Publisher's Clearing House prize letters, because the USPS wouldn't be able to keep up with the increased business demand. Everyone would be sad as a result.

If same-sex marriage were legal across the great United States of America, Bed, Bath & Beyond would stop sending out those 20-percent-off-your-entire-purchase coupons* because business would be up from all the gay registries, and it won't need to stimulate sales by offering discounts. Spatulas and pasta drainers, egg beaters and food processors would fly off the shelves at superhuman speeds and into the sinful homes of same-sex spouses for all those bad things "they" like to do, such as bake cakes and quiche lorraine. Lint roller sales would remain shockingly similar to pre-gay-marriage statistics.

Florists all across the great U.S. of A. would have to plant more seeds if gays could get married. Gladiolas would be stressed from all the attention. Day lilies would develop an ego.

If all gays could get married, some would inevitably eventually get divorced, which would in turn increase the demand for divorce lawyers and related services. The higher demand for divorce lawyers would lower the price for divorces. 1-800-DIVORCE in particular would offer the cheapest divorce ever heard of (not counting the Dominican Republic and that guy in the rent-controlled apartment on 86th and Columbus who charges next to nothing because he hated his wife and understands). The homophobic folks would finally be right when they said that gays were contributing to the decline of marriage. Republicans would gloat.

On the bright side, if gays were allowed to get married, stamp sales would be up.

*20-percent-off coupon valid only for purchases of $100 or more, only on Tuesdays between 3:02 p.m. and 3:03 p.m. in participating retail stores in Flint, Mich., only if it's partly cloudy and winds are moving west at 20 m.p.h. or less during the month of October.