11/01/2012 02:34 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Gays: The Calm After the Storm

Contrary to popular belief, gays were not the reason that a Category 1 hurricane caused widespread devastation and disrupted millions of lives across multiple states. Despite its arguably gay name and mercurial behavioral patterns (and one very clever post by a fellow HuffPost blogger), it turns out that the storm that ripped through the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast regions was not a result of same-sex coital activities. Climate change, the tail end of tropical hurricane season combined with an unusual jet stream, and the Almighty's ennui are all possible explanations for Hurricane Sandy. Gays are not.

Indeed, gays are not the cause of the storm but the calm after the storm. We're the ones who are fighting climate change, adopting all those kids straight people don't want, educating others, celebrating diversity and wearing stylish shoes. We understand why you might think we are to blame, though. The storm was sassy, fierce, merciless and strangely beautiful, not unlike that drag queen into whose drawers you love to shove $1 bills for her impeccable Bette Midler rendition ($20s when you're drunk and seeing double and accidentally reach for the wrong bills). Sandy took no prisoners and didn't take "no" for an answer, much like our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters over the years who clung tightly to their sacred sense of self even when no one would listen.

Notably, Sandy left a giant rainbow in her wake, a big, gay "f*** you" to the evangelicals, apparently. What the best homophobes among us failed to realize, though, is that Sandy is not a drag queen, a fag, a dyke or a gender-neutral vegan faux New Yorker transplanted from one of those hearty wheatfield states like Montana or Iowa or Missouri. Rather, Sandy is a single, white, 49-year old straight dude with a beer gut and a stain on his faded Old Navy polo shirt that he definitely should have washed two weeks ago but didn't because he figured it would only get dirty again. He super-sizes his value meals, looks at the neighbors' budding teenage daughter in inappropriate ways and hasn't paid his taxes since 1984. Sandy is an underachiever. He has been the assistant manager at the Wawa near his mom's house since he dropped out of high school. He still sports the very passé mullet, but he's balding; his only friend calls his balding patch "the eye of the storm." Sandy believes in government non-interference and tax cuts for the rich (even though he's poor), and he believes that pregnancies caused by incest, rape, insemination, gay love and immaculate conception are all God's will. Sandy, much like Romney, does not understand that most people can't simply escape to their second or third homes in the event of a natural disaster. Sandy is tone-deaf, insensitive and downright devilish.

Sandy and God do not commit acts of terror against the human race and the environment because of gay sex; they do it because of our own stupidity, for things like allowing big business to warm the globe, melting the ice caps and causing more ferocious weather events than ever before. So John McTernan, Rabbi Noson Leiter, Pat Robertson and Reverend Phelps, let's set the record straight. Hurricanes are heterosexual. Circuit parties are gay!