12/28/2012 07:00 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

My Top 5 Wishes for the Queers in 2013

Since we survived the end of the world, we can now focus on closing out 2012 and laying out our hopes for the new year. Many folks hope to lose weight, drink less or finish that pet project that's been sitting on the back burner since six New Year's Eves ago. So what's our big, gay wish list for 2013? Here are my top five:

1. DOMA goes down: My wish is that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is ruled unconstitutional so that same-sex couples who are legally married in their states can be recognized at the federal level like all other married couples. No longer will same-sex couples who marry in states with marriage equality have headaches trying to figure out how to file their taxes, nor will those wanting to declare their commitment have to worry that they'll still be second-class citizens in the eyes of the government. Most importantly, the federal government will send a strong message to all corners of the U.S. of A. that separate is never equal.

2. A public figure comes out of the closet... and no one cares: I'm not talking about someone as big as Oprah, because she makes news when she so much as sneezes, nor am I talking about someone as obscure as Agnieszka Iwaska. I mean the equivalent of an Anderson Cooper. My wish is that a household name who's presumed to be straight shouts from the rooftops that he's a big ole queer, and not a single news article is published on the topic. There are no paparazzi photos of him and his lover, or of his lover sharing the shade of the one tree in Manhattan with another man (with whispers about what that means about gays and monogamy). There are no People covers devoted to the topic of his coming out, nor is there a segment on Entertainment Tonight. No one cares, because coming out will be as mundane as buying new socks or making potato salad.

3. The pope realizes he's wrong: My wish is that, just in time for the celebration of Jesus' resurrection, the king of the Catholics himself, Pope Benedict XVI, issues a statement about just how wrong he was to judge any of God's children for whom they prefer to make out with in the movie theater. The world rejoices; churches worldwide throw open their doors to their LGBT brothers and sisters, and closet doors come off the hinges as priests and nuns come out and trade in their worn blacks and whites for brilliant rainbows.

4. The government has our backs as ENDA passes: My wish is that the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) finally passes in Congress, granting equal employment protections to all LGBT people seeking employment with or currently employed by a civilian, nonreligious employer with at least 15 employees. No longer will angry, homophobic bosses be able to get away with intimidating and harassing their gay employees without serious ramifications.

5. Nate Silver rocks a rainbow flag at the NYC Pride parade: My wish is that he throws his shirt off to reveal large nipple rings attached via chains to a dog collar around his neck, and yells from atop the Manhunt float that he's proud to be physically, emotionally, religiously, psychosomatically, mentally, culturally, sexually, metaphysically and galactically gay, and proceeds to get dragged by his nipple chains to Paddles by a short, round, hairy man. And then he proceeds with his brilliant work, and everyone leaves him alone.

All the scenarios described above are completely within reach this year (though my wish for the pope may require some divine intervention to become reality). Let's go out there and make 2013 the best year yet for LGBT rights!