INT - KIM AND KANYE'S KITCHEN, AFTERNOON
KIM and KANYE are in their newly renovated kitchen. KIM stands over the stove, dressed in a sequined Louis Vuitton jumpsuit, gold platform Louboutin heels, and is staring at her iPhone screen. There are at least 3-4 professionally dressed caterers running around the kitchen, looking miffed that KIM and KANYE are in the way.
Babe, I just tweeted at Martha Stewart to find out how long a turkey takes to cook, and she, like, still hasn't replied. Who else knows how to cook things? Ugh, I just want to give up.
Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way.
I know you're right, babe. But, if I can't like, cook this turkey, everything is going to be ruined. Like, my entire life. Maybe I should just go buy one that's already been cooked?
Do anybody make real shit anymore?
Ugh, I'm trying, OK? I just have to find an amazing recipe.
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life. We're just wastin' time, where's the finish line?
I haven't even started yet! I just wanted everything to be perfect for Nori's first Thanksgiving with the entire family, and now everything is ruined.
God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you getting annoyed? Why don't you help me instead of just standing there?
Oh girl your silhouette make me wanna light a cigarette.
Aww, thanks, babe! I've been following this Atkins diet, and I think it's amazing. Oooh, do you think I could invite Dr. Atkins to our Thanksgiving?
Doctors say I'm the illest, Cause I'm sufferin' from realness.
I know, right? I can't wait to meet him!
INT. - JENNER KITCHEN, AFTERNOON
KRIS and KHLOE are sitting in front of a laptop with obnoxiously large glasses of wine. KENDALL and KYLIE are on the other side of the kitchen on their phones not talking to KRIS or KHLOE or to each other.
I just think that now I'm at this new place in my life, you know, I'm ready to just get out there again.
You just want a man to get in there!
No, you know what I mean. I'm ready for love again! I think I want to try online dating.
(to KYLIE and KENDALL)
Girls, should I try online dating?
KENDALL and KYLIE do not respond and continue to silently take selfies.
(Not recognizing KYLIE and KENDALL ignoring her and now typing)
What should my username be? Maybe "Hot Mama K"? Oh I like that for me. Okay now I need to list some of my interests.
Missionary. Doggie Style. Backwards Cowgirl...
I was thinking something like, "I love my job, my business, working on my career, and developing my brand." Now I need a photo. What photo should I use girls? Any ideas??
KENDALL and KYLIE are still in the corner taking selfies and not acknowledging KRIS, now wearing only bras and underwear.
I really like this one.
Mom, that's a picture of Kim in a bikini.
Well I want everyone to know how much I care about my fame!
You mean family?
(To KENDALL and KYLIE)
Come on, you girls think this picture is okay, right?
KENDALL and KYLIE have disappeared, the only remaining evidence of them is an iPhone and a fake eyelash on the counter.
Well I love it! Here I go, entering the online dating world!
(pointedly presses enter on her keyboard, sits back and waits)
INT - KIM AND KANYE'S DINING ROOM
The family is sitting around the dinner table, KIM is in the kitchen finishing preparing the meal.
Kanye, where's Kim?
Are you guys ready for turkey?
KIM enters the dining room carrying a tray covered in deli slices of turkey.
Where's the bird?
What do you mean, Scott? This is all turkey.
That is a lot of meat.
Welcome to the good life.
Kim, I'm just so proud of you and all of your hard work.
(to her date next to her)
Greg, don't you think she did a great job?
She really did.
Mom, who is this guy?
That's Rob's business partner.
No he's not. I work alone. I make socks.
Rob, we know, and we're so proud of you honey. And girls, this is my date, Greg!
We met (whispers and mimes typing) online.
I can't believe you would bring a stranger to Thanksgiving, he might convince Scott to start drinking again!
This is what I'm talking about -- you don't trust me at all!
You guys, I spent all day on this dinner. And I want it to be special. Before we start eating, Kanye would like to make a toast to our new family. Go ahead, babe.
And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
E! VOICE OVER
Coming up on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...
Babe, what the hell was that? You ruined EVERYTHING!
Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are comedians and co-authors of the ebook Lean Over
Follow Alyssa Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/alyssawolff
Follow Alison Leiby on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AlisonLeiby