Commitments are scary. They bog you down. They create situations in your life that force you to make decisions. They force you to prioritize. They force you to separate what is most important to you from what really doesn't matter and to make compromises to yourself.
Commitments are also beautiful. When you commit to someone you love, to something you care about, to an idea you want to make into a reality, to a belief system that defines you, commitments are no longer seen as scary but as a part of life you would not want to live without.
I am sometimes really hard on myself. I have these ideas of the future to create huge world-changing plans and share those with so many people that I end up committing to so many different ways of getting to the same place. I hear so many different ideas, so many different perspectives, and I love them all. I am so open to wanting to help so many people I end up committing myself to different projects because I never commit and then do not follow through. I have been taught to never over-promise and under-deliver, so when I tell someone I am going to help them, I end up helping them, which usually leaves very little time to help myself.
I have started to really analyze my idea of commitment. After moving three times growing up, living in three apartments in the city, bouncing back and forth between California, NYC, Vegas and sometimes the random trip to India, I feel very noncommittal in terms of my surroundings. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. I put up walls, boundaries, and situations keeping me arm's length from just about everyone I meet. I am everyone's friend, confidante; I love everyone, and yet it is hard for me to understand the idea of a commitment. It made me start to think about all of the people in my life who have stepped in and stepped out of the sidekick role, the romantic interest, the best friend, the confidante, and how as I grow, most of these relationships have changed.
That being said, I am also a survivor, a hard worker, and an educator. I did everything I could to graduate with a 4.0 from college. I threw myself into my career and helped expand a company that dramatically prospered due to my efforts, but so what? I still do not feel my potential has been reached, that I have given it my all, that I have thrown myself into something so fully or have loved so devotedly to make myself feel complete. I had a friend recently tell me that I just keep talking about my awareness around this issue. He said, "You realize something then you talk about it for two months -- just do it." Another friend said: You want to stop being known for connecting everyone else to help them with what they are doing, and you just want to be known for doing something yourself, so just do it.
Some people are known for having the most home runs even if they are on a team that barely ever wins. They may have never had to give it their all, but just keep swinging and it comes easy for them to bang it out of the park time and time again. I keep thinking about this analogy of settling for home runs, for never being focused enough to get up to bat the last inning of the World Series to give it my everything to win. I realize I do not want to be the type of person who rests on my home runs, who half commits to a lot of different projects knowing my 20 percent will feel like 100 percent to everyone else. But deep inside I know I am not giving anyone or anything my all. There is something about feeling so passionate about something or about someone that you wake up every day with the intention to just commit yourself, where you will do whatever it takes to refine your skills, your mastery and give your gift to the world.
Commitment is about growing up. If you can't commit to anything outside yourself, then you don't really know who you are -- you can never grow, you cannot prosper. I don't want to have trophies on my shelf showing how may home runs I hit. It's not about the ego validation or the fact that I "won the game" for the team. It's about believing in myself, believing in committing to doing whatever I want to do and then actually taking the action to do it.
I think it's really scary when a dream of yours comes true and you realize you have to find a new dream, when you have grown out of your old dreams, and when the home runs start to feel like missed hits. At the end of the day, I am realizing what matters is giving it every piece of your being, not really ever knowing if you are going to win or lose but at least giving it your all, because losing when you gave it your all is a lot better than winning when you didn't have to try at all.
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